Leg Up

If you’ve been reading my blogs you know that my midlife crisis has sparked a recommitment to working out and staying healthy.  I’ve been doing my weight class, playing soccer and going to yoga.  I was in yoga class the other day going through the series of poses and we get to the Triangle (Trikona-asana) pose. 

Now this pose is not necessarily complicated but does take some work.  Standing straight up you separate your legs so your ankles are under your wrists.    One foot turns out and the other slightly pigeon-ed toe-d.  You bend your leg to 90? and then bend your torso so your arms are perpendicular to the floor. I know different yoga styles do it differently but that’s not point of my story.

Anyways, as I was bending my leg the requisite 90? I saw something.  There was a shadow on my left leg.  I concentrate a little harder in the mirror and then I finally realize what it is.  I couldn’t believe it.  I had a visible muscle!   I couldn’t stop staring at it.  To complete this pose your face should be looking up to the ceiling with the profile of your face visible in the front mirror.  The instructor kept directing … turn your profile to the mirror.  I know she was talking to me but I couldn’t.  I had a muscle!  It was kind of cute too!  I wanted to touch it. 

She moves us through  the end of the pose and has us repeat it on the other leg.  Excited by my new found discovery I set up properly and gaze toward the mirror… nothing.  I shift my leg a little.  Maybe I’m not fully 90?.  Still nothing.  We end that pose and repeat again on the left side (you do each pose 2 times on each side).  And lo and behold I have a muscle again.  It’s dead sexy! 

I continued to gaze loving at my sharply etched Quad long after the instructor moved us into the next pose.  I’ve been thinking of ways I can show off my new 1 muscled left leg.  I did go to work and show it off.  I’ve done triangle pose at least a 100 times for co-workers.  Yes they think I’m nuts, but they knew I was a bit off even before this.  Is there a certain way I can stand in the pub/bar/gas station and just show off that 1 muscle.  Can I cut off just one leg to all my pants?  Can I wear skirts the rest of the winter?  The rest of me still needs work but I’m making progress, one muscle at a time!

Antigone Rising or another night out with the Cursed friend

So a couple of weeks ago, I’m enjoying a Sunday afternoon reading the paper, dining on my favorite food group (Chipolte) and come across a concert notice for one of my favorite bands –Antigone Rising.  They will be playing in Ft. Worth. at 8.0 and its only $5 cover.  Does life get any better?.  I mentally scan through my list of friends and rule them out … Daisy doesn’t really like/know them, Cindy likes them but lives in Frisco, Andrea (1) is broke, Andrea (2) is in Tulsa,… and then it hits me…. I have to get ‘D’ to go. 

‘D’ is my cursed friend.  She’s got a ton of issues but she’s smart, funny and we have the best time when we hang out at the house.   However, whenever we do something outside the confines of my house it doesn’t seem to go so well.  Who goes the St. Paddy’s on lower Greenville and doesn’t have a good time?  Me and D.  Who goes out to McKinney on Saturday night and is home by 10pm?  Me and D.  Who schedules a happy hour with tons a friends at the newest local bar only to show up and find they have no liquor license and we have 20 angry friends?  Me and D.  One year we decide to go to Margarita Ball in Ft Worth which should really be called it the Geriatric ball.  We had a good 20 years on everyone (in our favor!)  I did meet a pilot there.  I have to ask the logical question…. Are you Orville or Wilbur? 

Now I swear this is not me or my fault.  I’ve got plenty of great stories hanging out with my other girls.  Like the French model in London, the bikini clad boys in Ireland, my brief engagement to the CEO of Ford Asia/Pac.

Convinced that I now have the opportunity to break the ‘D’ curse I ring her immediately and tell her get a babysitter that we have plans to go to the concert.  We keep in touch over the next couple of weeks excited for a night out.  We’ve got plenty of things to stress about so we’re both looking to a fun night out.  A few drinks and some good music under the stars!  Even as late a yesterday afternoon we’re in high spirits.  No sick kids, no emergencies, its hot as hell… what can go wrong? 

So late last night we (Texas) get some kind of Artic blast. I wake up to a cold, bleak and dreary morning.  D aims me at the office, ” Are we still on?”.  Yes, of course.   The sun starts to peak through during the afternoon and the evening will be cooler but that’s now an excuse to wear my paycheck consuming new brown suede Cole Haan boots.  I bust my butt at the office planning to leave early but my early is standard office hours and I rush home to get ready.  Stop to get gas, burn her a copy of the band’s CD and fly to Ft.  Worth in record time.

When we make 8.0’s, there’s a band playing.  My heart sinks because I think we’ve already missed Antigone Rising.  Luckily, it’s just a warm up act.  She is good but the sun is setting and it starting to get cold.  There is few people on the patio, they obviously don’t know how great this band is but its still early so there’s hope.  As we begin to notice people trickle in we notice they all seemed to be coupled up.  Upon closet inspection, we notice that the vast majority are not XX-XY couples.  We seem to have planted ourselves in the middle of a lesbian convention.  Now I expect to see this at Traci Chapman  or Lilith Fair concert but at Antigone Rising?    Should we sit closer to get some body heat?  Is it better for everyone to think we’re together or not?  We are the best looking women there (which isn’t saying much in this situation).  Based on our choices in both the women and men categories we think it’s not a bad idea to create our own couple image.

We sit through another no name act freezing our ass off and being pseudo lesbians.  I’ve lost feeling in my fingers and toes so ‘D’ offers up the suggestion have a shot.  Is there any other reasonable alternative?  So a trip to the ladies room (to thaw under the hand dryer) and  a tequila shot later, I’m a bit warmer.  The band finally comes to the stage.

I love this band.  It’s 5 Pat Benatars!  They were terrific and worth every inconvenience and public humiliation we went through.  Why didn’t I decide to become a rock and roll star?   So what if I can’t sing, play an instrument, and I’m not cool.  I’m sure I could manage the tambourine. 

 We stopped at Starbuck after the show.  What the hell is the idea of tall, grande, vente or something like that.  Why can’t the just say small, medium, large?  They tried to tell my it’s an Italian thing but isn’t Starbucks from Seattle?  I’ve been to Italy (twice) and I don’t remember them offering sizes like that.  I did get extra whip cream on my hot chocolate.  I think the barrister was digging me!

Get Ready! and past Dear Dirk Letters

I left the office a feeling a little bummed… works is a pain and I had to spend a boatload on airfare for a trip.  As I drive up to the house I notice an envelope by the door.  As I hadn’t ordered anything, I’m on financial diet til the end of the year (plane tickets didn’t help this cause) and I was already having a rough day I didn’t have high hopes that it was good news. 

I don’t recognize the address on the envelope but it feels funny.  I open it and pour out the contents.  And you know what it is?  It is my Mavs season tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Hooray my day is saved.  Life is good again.  There is a God!

So in honor of a spanking new basketball season I thought I’d post my last season Dear Dirk letters.  I have bit of a crush (aka obsession) on him.  He’s just so cute.  Yes we would make an odd pair but he wouldn’t be my first younger, 6′6″+, foriegner!

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Dear Dirk, (Post Game 4) – via Suns

 

Although my work schedule is such that I can barely afford to be out of the office,  I was comforted by the fact that I would be in PHX during our 4th game with the Suns.  I was quite hopeful I would be able to attend in person but unfortunately persons who shall remain unnamed (but start with an M end with an A and has an Ass in the middle) where unable to fulfill their commitments.  However, I was avidly watching from the local pub (with great happy hour specials) being quite vocal, some ((obviously PHX fans))  would say obnoxious.  I felt quite the martyr.  

 

I find it a little difficult to communicate my highly qualified coaching skills through the 19″ TV we were watching.  For some reason, I seem to have more influence with 27″ and larger screen with an extra boost if it is flat or plasma.  You apparently did not hear that I’ve prohibited you from guarding Steve.   Diop ,or in a pinch the darling Devon, are assigned to one Steve Nash.  If you are the only person left to guard Steve you should simply step away and let him shoot.  It is less embarrassing for all of us. 

 

I’m not sure why the Lil General decided to have you sit out most of the 1st Quarter.  I was convinced it was a psychological strategy to communicate our ability to win without you, our best (any my most favorite) player.  My confidence was obviously misplaced.  I will take that up with Ave (that’s what I call him) myself.  Do I detect an hint of outside influence.  In the words of my favorite alternative lifestyle friend…. Its Vegas Dahling!

 

Although I simply adore you (as the restraining order clearly shows), I am personally affronted by this loss. I had planned to gloat in the PHX office to the point of being physically removed from the building. I even saved my best tattoos to wear for our win.  I now must go to the office in enemy territory with a gigantic “L” on my for head.    I’ve decide not to shower until the Mavs win again (so for the sake of my friends, family and career this must happen quite soon).   

 

Knowing you to be the kind compassionate loving (and hot for tall lanky and sweaty) man that you are, I’m sure that you are racking your brain with ways to make this up to me.  I’ve come up with a few ideas:

·        Call off the security guards, answer the door and take my phone calls

·        3-carat diamond ring and no pre-nup

·        Convincing (20 point) win in game 5 & 6.  My heart and nerves won’t take a game 7.  Seat and plan tickets to said games would go a long way as well

·        Legal adoption of two under privileged German children ….  Hans Dirk Sebastian  Nowitski or Gretel Tonya Kierston  Nowitski.  However these can come later in our courtship as I think we need some quality ‘us’ time up front.

 

I eagerly look forward to hearing from you and learning which of those way to you plan to make it up to me.  In the words of my favorite singer (and other victim) James Blunt, who I had the great privilege of meeting – having spent several paychecks worth of savings,  Auf Wiedersehen mein Geliebter. 

 

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My Dearest Dirk (and 50 point God), (Post Game 5) via Suns

 

I’m writing to you after a long hot shower having only to go a mere 48 hours without one (which is quite normal for me if you ask any of my friends).  My friends, family and co-workers do thank you that it did not go any longer than that.   I can’ t tell you how please you took my advice to heart.  Although the team did not make the requested 20 point win, your personal commitment of 50 points is proof positive of your deep and abiding affection for me.  I am now thoroughly convinced that the size of the screen increases my psychic abilities to communicate with you (and frankly the entire team including the Lil General)  and are greatly amplified by the size of the screen I am watching as evidenced tonight. 

 

I was quite prepared to ‘reward’ you for tonight’s win, but I’ve been given sage advice not to drain you of any energy.  I’m not convinced that I would be a drain but I’m erring on the side of caution.  Mathematically I think you would be fine, there 7′ of you and only 5′ of me.  You’re nearly 2 people to my one, which is probably the closest I’ll get to 2 men at one time … but I digress.  I do have significant birthday coming up in a few months so if you’d like to discuss further let me know.

 

Back to tonight’s game… it was quite spectacular… a sluggish first, a great second, slow 3rd and fantastic close.  You have my full permission to tell Thomas where to put his air kisses.  I think we should engage Jet to do a Findley on him (he’s not playing great after all and we can afford to have him sit out a game).  Did you see Steve post game outfit?  I know you’re good friends but I’m concerned the rumors are true.  He was flipping and tucking his hair more than I do on a 3 vodka night. 

 

I’m convinced more than ever we should be together,,, I present the following evidence

• You’re from Germany, I lived in Germany
• You go to Mavs games, I go to Mavs games
• You must like shorter women (how many women are 7′), I’m a shorter women
• You are 7′ and I’m 5′ which is 1.4 ratio; your 28 and I’m ALMOST 40 which is 1.4 ratio
• You live in the metroplex, I live in the metroplex
• You play sax, I like guys who play sax

 

Frankly the list is just to long to elaborate here but I think you can see what I am saying.  It’s getting late so I’ll sign off for now

 

gute Nach Geliebter!

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Darling Dirk,  Post Game 6 via Suns

 

As you can see I’ve been remiss in sending this my latest missive to you.  I’m sure you are feeling quite anxious but please don’t worry even though you may not heard from me you can be sure I will never go away.  I was on a quick (albeit way too short) trip to Mexico where I enjoyed game six of the finals.  To see you come out so proud in your XXXL warm up, standing there like some pagan God… Thor or Odin or something … was really almost  more than I could bear.(I know they’re Norse but haven’t had a chance to study up on my Germanic pagan gods yet.)  I was literally weak in the knees, and it wasn’t because of the tequila shots (more on those shortly).  If you could flash your shoe size the next time it would be greatly appreciated.

 

It really was quite a dramatic evening.  We spent hours talking to everyone in Cabo about where we could watch the game.  After several false leads, we found ourselves seated in the back of a almost deserted bar where the waiters out numbered the patrons nearly 2:1.  The bar was nearly empty except for a table of 8-10  so we were able to get great seats with views to all 20 televisions (I knew my psychic powers would be in full force).  The first two quarters were brutal.  Three delightful women trying to cheer on a clearly struggling team surrounded be a table of Phoenix fans who were doing their best to intimidate us.  Alas, our courage never failed but any more games like that and I’m going to need to see the plastic surgeon much sooner than I expected and will be joining the hair club for men for my bald patches. 

 

During the 2nd half something clearly changed.  Slowly the momentum changed…. the lead kept getting smaller, the fan base started to increase.  There were 10,,, then 20,,, then a bar full of Mavs fans.  It rose to a crescendo in the 4th quarter to a stunning climax and spectacular win.   That begin the evening of Tequila shots purchased by some big spender for all the female Mavs fan.  I must take a short interlude to remind you Dirk they most of those women could not name another Mavs player (or jersey number) than you and only because I had been shouting your name all night.  Do not be easily sway by these so called fans no matter how young and hot they are.  They could never love you like I do.

 

We true Mavs fan moved the party (and the tequila shots) to the infamous Cabo Wabo and continued the celebration and tequila in full force.  Watching you nearly breakdown at the press conf after the game caused such an (slightly embarrassing) reaction in me that I was advised to refrain from removing any more clothing and to tone down the ‘take me now’ offers.  At least this is what I am told which is frankly hard to believe being so out of character for me. Well darling,  only 4 more games  (we will win in 4) and less than 10 days before we can be together.  Stay strong as I know I must until the time is right…. Here’s a little closing poem D – is for the way he leads the team in scoringI – is for the long scruffy hair and the way he tucks it behind his earsR – is for those gigantic hands that are probably capable of spanning my entire waist (i’m working out to help this)K – is for the terminator like accent that croons so softly  bis unsere Augen treffen konnen 

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Dear Dirk, (post game 1& 2 – Miami)

 

I am two games behind in my communication … I’ve got more work than I can do and I sit on yet another conference call.. there’s so much that I can’t focus and decided to write you rather than develop one more business model.   What is there to be said anyway except .. 

 

F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C!!!!  GO MAVS!!! 

 

(hmmm how can I make that flash?)

 

Two spectacular wins and I don’t think either you or Josh have had your best game yet.  Are you guys taking turns being superheroes?  Major props to Jerry, stitches and all.  I’ve spoken to the media and the next Reuters update will read something like:  

 

Reuters, Dateline 6/12/06:    Mavs to take series in 4.  Tonya and Dirk to wed in Sept. 

 

I’ll make this short and sweet and get back to my cost model.

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Dear Dirk,(post game 3 – Miami)

 

What happened last night?  Where was the win?  How did a 13 point lead evaporate?  How did Jerry miss that easy dunk?  How did you miss the free through?  Was it Damps turn to be the superhero?  When are you and Josh going to bring out your best game?  Were the Heat fans wearing white because they were surrendering?  Is there a God?  Why does toast always land butter side down?  Why can’t I get a date?  Did my parents really love me?  Why doesn’t a guy call when he says he will?  Why haven’t you returned my email?  Today I am in a ponderous mood…

 

While I’m in this questioning mood … can you explain to me the basketball socks strategy.  Some of the guys wear the low ankle socks, some wear what appear to be tights and stocks (is there a garter keeping them up), some wear socks over their shoes.  How does one determine how  to wear their socks?  Why are some white and some black?   Can I have a pair of your old socks?  You wear them just right…tube socks pushed down midway the calf in the I don’t really care what my socks look like kind of way.  I find it sexy. 

 

I took last nights lost very hard as you can imagine.  I did alert the media after all, if you remember (Mavs win series in 4!).  We are still on for the wedding aren’t we?  My friend and neighbor was gracious enough to invite me to her house to watch the game.  I think she was afraid of what I might do to myself if I was left alone last night.  I think she was more afraid for the neighborhood and since she’s only 2 doors down she probably knew she was in the direct line of fire.  I think if she knew I lived there she might not have bought in neighborhood but its too late now – ha ha!  Watching the game they brought up a point of dribble penetration.  I’m not sure what it is but I think I like it.  I couldn’t believe they were talking about that on tv.     

 

I’m sure you guys just wanted to make the series more exciting but I’m find with a win in 5.  No need to wait until your back in Dallas.  Besides the sooner this is over the sooner our courtship can begin. 

 

Until Friday my love,