Dear Dirk – Mavs vs. Twolves

Oh my God!  10 in Row!  Who predicted it?  I did!  (see Dear Dirk Friday Nov 10)   My coaching and basketball strategy is apparently working.  Continue to follow the plan and we should be ok.  I will provide the necessary adjustments as the season progresses.   I was worried there for a minute last night.  I leave the game at the end of the 3rd quarter and you guys fall apart.  I know you must have sensed my departure.  That is a lesson to me but in my defense I took Chad (your future stepson) and it was a school night.  I thought by being up by 20 points we would be safe.     Last night was Chad’s first game with the new season (not counting pre-season).  On the way into the arena one of the scalpers asked us if we needed tickets.  We politely told him no.  He said he would upgrade us to lower center court but I must learn to be frugal and our seats aren’t so bad so we declined.  As we are walking to the arena Chad says, “Mom you should have upgraded, you might have got some of Dirks sweat”.  We looked for that damn scalper for 30 minutes (almost made us late to the game).  Alas, we never found him but is that not a son that knows his mother! Chad is a fan of the younger (geesh its bad when 28 sounds old) hipper (aka Josh, Devan, Diop – though I argue Diop) players.  He doesn’t see my fascination with you.  Mom he’s too tall and white and likes bad music and sounds like the terminator.  The terminator is so 80s.  Pick one of the other guys.  Listen son, I tell him.  That’s no way to talk about your future step father and what the heck do you know about the 80s you weren’t even born.  I did make Chad call you Dad all night.  “Go Dad!  You’re the man, dad!  Hey that guy just fouled my dad!”  To his credit  and my chagrin he did not want to do it.  I told him if he didn’t he was walking home to Euless.  He’s still young enough not to be immune to my idle threats. My son (I mean our son) is exceptionally brilliant.  He remembered to bring the mini-binoculars last night making the game an extra pleasure.  I was able to focus on your highly defined calves (this game’s body part).  They aren’t the odd Popeye on spinach looking calves.  There full and sleek and should be up around my ears.  Oh wait I think that’s the other way around.  I was also able to use Chad’s great idea to check out that cute little boy Tony Romo.  He could possibly give you a run for your money for my affections.  I’m sure all the girls will be chasing him.  I’ll stand a better chance with you.  He’s a hottie but I will be true to my first sports love.  I can’t wait till you retire and you go on dancing with stars.  I see a brilliant future for us.

Traditional Thanksgiving (not quite!)

I’m sitting here with my nightcap pumpkin pie and thought I would recap my Thanksgiving holiday.  It started with a Turkey burner cardio class which sounds committed until I confess that I had pumpkin pie for breakfast … with cool whip (and a side of cool whip).  I love cool whip.  Kind of poetic, to start and end the day the same way.  Anyway, I digress. We’re having the traditional dysfunctional holiday.  Yes I know we’re not special in this way but wait I’ll explain how ours turned out to be just a little bit different.  So back to the dysfunctional holiday We go to my mom’s house this year.  Actually its my rent house and I let mom live there.  I only charge her double rent, I’m such a good daughter.  Mom cooks.  She’s an excellent cook.  I keep trying to convince her to go into business.  There’s been fist fights over her potato leek soup.  That’s what the grandkids ask for for their birthdays.  If you ever meet her will you tell her I actually gave her a compliment.  She thinks we resent her but I do love her too.  I’ve gotten over of my childhood issues.  Ok, most of my issues. Well we’re getting ready for dinner and there the normal drinking,  screaming, yelling, a little bit of crying and then someone gets bit.  Yes I know this is just like every other family but what is unique is that other families are not doing this around the penis table.  Mom has a standard round table that in and of itself is unremarkable.  However, she covers it with this nice lace table cloth that has penis’ (what’s the plural?) all over it.  Now it’s probably supposed be something else but the way it hangs on the table its it results in a perfect circle of penis pointing at you.  It’s like those pictures where no matter where you move the eyes follow you.  It’s the same thing only its penis.  I had to take my plate and eat outside.  I couldn’t eat my turkey and gravy with them all looking at me.  I had to be grateful for the nice weather today.  Now there’s probably not too many of you that can say you had to deal with that today. The only other minor confrontation was between me and my 18 month old niece.  She doesn’t like me yet.  We circle each other at healthy distance.  If I wrinkle my brow at her she takes off running and screaming to her mother and then I get yelled at.  The rest of the nieces and nephews love me.  They think I’m old and weird (I make them call me Tonya-licious or Aunti-licious) but they realize I’m old, weird and RICH.  Once she realizes the rich part she’s going to realize Aunti-licous ain’t so bad. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! p.s.  I always mean to just put down a quick little update.  A quick note, a paragraph or two.  Then somehow it becomes a novella.  I’m not sure where it comes from.  See I can’t even make the p.s. concise.  I apologize.

Dear Dirk – Mavs vs. Bulls

Hallelujia!  Three in a row!  Hello Darling, its been a while (or 5 days).    It was an excellent game last night.  I was quite impressed with both Stackhouse and Dampier.  Jerry’s my 2^nd favorite player after you of course.  I need to talk to Avery because at one time there was only 1 of the players I’ve had on my list on the floor and of course we couldn’t buy a basket.  I need to remind him there can only be one substitution of my starting line up at a time.

Little Devan, who I’ve been quite critical of late,  did some decent playing. He actually made some impressive lay-ups.   I had just had a discussion with a girl friend earlier yesterday about the merits of Dampier vs Harris.  She was trying to take me to task for my criticism of Devan but I think last night numbers for Damp (double / double) vindicate me.  And he kept rebounding Devan’s missed shots.  Here’s how two somewhat sports minded females hold a sports conversation.

Her:  Hi girl love your boots are they new?

Me:  Yea, they’re awesome.  You’re looking diva.

Her:  Thank you! You going to game?

Me:  Yea.  I want Devan to be traded.

Her:  What!  He’s quick and young and soooo cute!

Me:  Ok he’s cute but he can’t shoot and he’s not as cute as Dirk.

Her:  You and that white man.  Devan can shoot it Dampier we need to  

         get rid of.

Me:  No way.  Devan’s fast and young but I’ll take the more experienced

        Dampier.

Her:  But Devan’s so cute.  Did you see my new coach bag.

Me:  Oh my god that’s a fanstastic bag… blah blah blah

Its and easy blend of fashion and sports!

Last night, I took my own 6′8″, white, accented young man as my date.  I figured with his height you may actually see us when you glanced over your shoulder.  You would notice him, then me and think…that could be me!  Don’t worry he’s just last years toy and no competition.  Don’t get me wrong he is a good friend, but he kept trying to engage in conversation during the game but I kept thinking, dude shut up I’m watching the game.  They are all just temporary fillers until you look (way) up in the stands and see my smiling (under construction) face staring down at you.

I had quite a fright last night when you took the hit to the head by the stupid bulls player and fell to the ground.  I kept screaming stop the game, stop the game.  I rushed to be by your side but was stopped by security.  This time it took three security guards and I did make it to the first row of floor seats so I’m making progress! 

In my last letter I mentioned your sexy neck.  This week I paid particular attention to your bulging biceps and that area where your arm and body meet.  It might be called shoulder but should have a better sounding name.  The other body parts do… quads, tri-s, hams.  Whatever it is,  I must say its beautiful.  Love the close ups of you on the jumbo-tron where I can focus on different parts of your anatomy!

The only minor critique I have was  your uncharacteristic outburst that  resulted in a technical foul.  There was really no call for that behavior.  You’re a naughty, naughty boy…Get to my bedroom!

Brace Faces Pays Off

Midlife crisis makes you do strange things. As I approach my significant birthday this year I thought about what changes I needed to make. I know I was going to make physical change so I narrowed my choices down to two things: lipo or braces. I’ve always wanted movie star teeth. Knowing the braces would obviously take longer and I wasn’t getting any younger I decided to do the braces first.

Now my ortho experience hasn’t been particularly fun. Here’s a just a few experiences I had:

•  
  • Initial install took 4 hours
  • Experienced allergic reaction which caused 3rd degree type burns all down my left arm.
  • Pulled 4 teeth
  • Sore teeth for ¼ of the month.

 The only fun part of getting braces was the ability to decorate my braces with different colored bands. This last time I must have been watching too much tv as I did a nice blue and now I look as if I’m channeling Ugly Betty.

Now the point of providing this history is to discuss how this has finally paid off. I was coming home from watching the game last night and was less than ¼ of mile from house when I notice the bright flashing lights in my mirror. Little bit of panic sits in. I had two beers but certainly wasn’t drunk but still didn’t want to have to blow. I only weigh 115 so mathematically I could be at risk.

I pull over, pull out of my drivers license and start digging through the glove compartment. (Don’t know why they call it glove compartment, does anybody put gloves in there?) The officer is at the window as I’m sorting through car guide, oil change receipts, inspection forms and tampons. Of course, insurance is at bottom of the stack. This is what transpired.

Officer: “Ma’am, you were doing 51 in 35. Were you in 35.

 Me: “Sorry officer I was just tired”

Me: “Oh my God! You have braces! I’m so glad to see someone over 30 who has braces besides me” Uh-oh – I hope he’s at least 30 or now I’ve insulted him and I’m getting a ticket. Can he right me up for the insult?

Officer:  <laughs> “I do. I just got them. Blah blah blah braces. Blah Blah Blah braces”

Me: “I know I’m getting a ticket I’m just excited to see I’m not the only 30-something person with planet” (hopefully he’s not looked to close at my drivers license)

Officer: “You’re not getting a ticket. Just slow down.”

Me: “Thank you officer. You’re so nice, handsome, smart, blah blah blah”

So my braces saved me a ticket a potential DUI. That’s worth the cost of braces! However, with my luck, my new favorite officer will be on myspace, read this and then send me ticket in mail.

Mr. Officer,

Just in case you are reading this. I did think you were nice, handsome, smart, strong, etc!

Dear Dirk – Mavs vs. Suns

I must admit that I have been distraught these last couple of days.  What’s the deal with the 1-4 record?   Is it because I bought season tickets (ok half season)?  Have I jinxed the team?  If we didn’t win last night I was seriously considering putting the whole  stack up on ebay but then with the current win/loss record they may not sell.   In honor of the win last night, I wore my flight attendant with wings outfit to work this morning in honor of the superior performance by Jet.    To ensure that last nights win is not a fluke,  the following are my new coaching rules: The team on the court should always consist of yourself, Jet, Josh, Diop and Stackhouse.  If sub is needed Dampier maybe used.  Bench sups should be used sparingly.  To sub you must have: must be exhibiting signs of complete exhaustions or have raw bone protruding from some limb or be bleeding from the eyeballs. Use of anyone not on team last year is prohibited.  Play short if you have to. There should be no less than three of my recommended players on court at any time. I stated this last year but at no time are you allow to guard Steve Nash.  You only play suns 4 times for season so this should be easily complied to. Devan Harris is not allowed to shoot.  If he gets a quick break then he is to run down to other end of the court and wait until someone who can shoot gets down there. You must grow your hair back out.  I found a direct correlation between the length of your hair and the intensity of your game. I’ll be monitoring my new rules when I attend the game on Tuesday.  I think you’ll find they’re result in a win and establish our 10 in a row winning streak. Until Tuesday Darling!

Dear Dirk – Mavs vs. Spurs

Dear Dirk, 

It’s been a long lonely summer without you!  I’ve managed to console myself with the occasional date (don’t be jealous they’re just poor substitutions for you my darling), extreme shopping and copious amounts of wine.  How was Germany?

I was so excited about using my new season tickets last night but I almost missed the game.  I took off early to look my best, I avoided the 183 shutdown and made it to downtown in plenty of time to have a wee drink before going to the arena.  In the two minutes before I am to pick up Daisy (thought it would be rude to take another man to our first game together) I realize I forgot to bring the tickets!  Sadly this is not the first time I’ve done this.  I have a terrible history with forgetting tickets, passports, dates and schedules.

Calm down, breathe, don’t panic, I can just login as season ticket holder and mail the tickets to myself and all will be well.  Login to Daisy’s computer, find my account number, login to website, see all my games, see where I can forward my tickets.  However, I can’t forward my tickets for THIS game because its less than 2 hours before game time.  Ok, NOW panic!  Thankfully, you can get your tickets at the box office with the right amount of identification, account numbers and just one small vial of blood. 

Hot dog in one hand, drink in the other, we find the seats which aren’t half bad, if I do say so myself.  I’m behind the Mavs bench (though a bit of a way up) which allowed me to stare lovingly at the back of your head most of the night.   As much as I love the back of your head (as I do the rest of you), I would have preferred seeing more of you on the court.  I was surprised how much time your were on the bench.  Yes, we were leading for more than 75% of the game and don’t get me wrong Austin did well but I’m blaming the loss on too much bench time for you.  It was eerily reminiscent of the playoffs.  We lead the entire game then lose!  We must definitely do something to break this trend. 

I somehow missed the event that caused the flagrant foul on Josh.  Could you let me know what that was?  I hope it was because he took the rebound off Tim Duncan’s head!

I’m so excited about the new season.  I can’t wait to see how far our relationship progresses this year!

 

Willkommen zurück Geliebter!