Get your Tao on

I’ve been doing what most people do during difficult times, reading the Tao Te Ching.  Not sure why really but seemed like the thing I needed to do.  Last night I was reading a verse and it was talking about opposites and the importance of duality.  i.e. Good can only exist be cause of evil.  That duality is ability to hold opposite beliefs to both be true.  Ok that’s at least my interpretation of it.  I read once the ability to hold opposing beliefs to be true is a sign of genius.  I’ve always done this.  I was afraid I was schizophrenic.  I might be a little of both. So after reading the Tao last night I was writing in my journal and for some reason I decided to go back and read other entries.  I never do that.  Usually I’m just whining, crying or complaining about something.  But I did last night.  Yes, most of it was whining, crying and complaining but I found this gem.  Its weird it seem to fit right in with my Tao reading.  (play spooky music here).  This seems to sum up my philosophy of life.   (Note:  poor grammar and incorrect quoting are the fault of me and not the author.)   “I told him I can believe anything.  You have no idea what I can believe.  I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they are true or not.  I can believe in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mr. Ed.  Listen – I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite and that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like  wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our women and water.  I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day the white Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass.  I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline of good sex in America is coincidental with the decline in drive in movie theaters from state to state.  I believe all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe they are better than the alternative.  I believe California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is gong to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waster.  I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll be wiped out by the common cold like the Marians in the War of the Worlds.  I believe the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sibwell (?) and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.  I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars.  I believe that candy really did taster better when I was a kid, that aerodynamically impossible for a butterfly to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in the box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it, it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.  I believe in a personalized God who cares about me and worries about everything I do.  I believe in an impersonal God who set the world in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know I’m alive.  I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise and sheer blind luck.  I believe anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly.  I believe that anyone who claims oi know what’s going on will be … about the little things too.  I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies.  I believe in woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred, there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.  I believe that life is a game, life is cruel joke and that life happens where your alive and you might as well just lie back and enjoy it.”  Spoken by Sam, in American Gods, by Neil Gaimon

Just another saturday night

(Written Saturday night) You know there’s probably nothing in the blog that makes me look less than pathetic but I’ve been honest so far so I won’t start making up stuff now.  Ok this is weird but I’ve never claimed to be anything else.  I’m sitting in my car in my garage (the engine is not running) listening to Classic Country Saturday Night writing this blog.  I usually write them first as I just like the feel of pen to paper.  I prefer R&B but this brings back childhoold memories.  Why am I sitting in my car?  Because in all my electronic genius I can’t get the radio tuner to work on my stereo.  Its been a bit of a rough weekend but got out of the house Saturday night with my favorite little sister.  We drop the kids off with Grannie and head first to my favorite place:  the bookstore.   I offer to treat her to dinner at her favorite place La Margarita in Irving (great restaurant!).  As we pull in the parking lot she says this isn’t it.   She means La Hacienda in Grapevine.  They both had a ‘La’ in them so its an obvious mistake.  So with nothing else to do with our evening we take the drive to La Hacienda.  The place is packed as we sit at the bar we do what we normally do which is discuss our family.  My family could be its own blog.  In fact, during the evening we agree we are going to write our book.  The authors of Running with Scissors and a Million Little Pieces got nothing on us.  Actually we’re afraid Oprah won’t have us on because that guy lied to her.  She’s not going to believe what we have to say.  We promise when you read our memoir every bit will be true!   Its still early so we decide to stop for a drink before we head to Grannie’s.  We hit the newest club in Arlington.  You guys know Arlington is knows for its hot spots and new club openings.  As we walk in we both have the same thought, we’re walked into a swingers club.  HE’S at home happy and I’ve just walked  1940’s class reunion for swingers!  Does my life get any more pathetic than this, you laugh but it was a rough couple of minutes.  I’m wondering can I slit my wrist with my car key?  Fortunately , I’ve always been resilient and find I’m able to find the complete absurdity of the situation.  They’ve actually got … how do we explain.  Its not really a band but a couple of singers who aren’t quite doing karoke but something close.  The male singer looks just like comedienne Richard Lewis and the woman looks like a slightly overweight Tammy Wynette.  (This begins the celebrity theme to the evening.)  Tammy W. is singing everything from Patsy Cline to Toni Braxton.  Its such an odd mix of music.  Embarrassing as it is to admit she’s not half bad.   Front and center on the dance floor is Biker Granny with her black Rock-n-Roll Forever leather jacket and her Pink leather cap.  Biker Granny is doing the AARP version of pop, lock and drop it.   My sister who is enjoying herself thoroughly gets asked to dance by Daddy Warbucks (bald head, white turtle neck, tweed jacket and all!).  Daddy Warbucks is doing some weird circling thing so Tam Tam has to tell him she don’t break it down like that.  He comes twice to get Tam Tam on dance floor.  I am laughing so hard I nearly piss myself.  I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.  I’m not completely convinced this isn’t a swingers club.  To keep up with the celebrity theme night, we also run into Rod Steward, Hilary Clinton, Marty Robins and Willie Nelson.  But the best was Richard Simmons and his poor hetro son.  Here we were thinking what a rough childhood we had but what would it be like to have Richard as a father.  I guess its all relative.  Richard Simmons and his son actually bought us a drink.   About 9:30 we get text from our neice that Granny’s upset cause she thinks we lied to her.  She doesn’t realize its not even 10 o’clock.  She’s weird (oh shit its genetic).  She thinks we’re partying like rock stars and we’re thrinking we’ve found the bar for mom.  We take our happy asses home.  We get accused of being drunk because we haven’t stopped laughing since we walked into our swingers bar.  They just don’t understand how surreal the whole evenings been.  I think this is sign I’m going to be ok,  I just got to go change my pants.   PS   Off to the Bahamas this week, maybe I’ll do How Stella got her Groove Back.  But I think Stella found out he was in the closet about 10 years later.  Daisy says that’s ok because she at least got a good 8 years.  I’m hoping next year gets better but I’m worried.  This was the year of the Pig (don’t I know it!)  and next year is the year of the Rat!

I am Thankful!

The last couple of weeks have been rough to say the least.   HE’S got on with his happy life but the entire situation has knocked me off my equilibrium.  Truthfully I don’t open myself up ever often so this has been really hard for me.  But in spite of it all, I’ve learned some important lessons (besides the obvious).  Dr. Phil says experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.  I’ve got lots of experience! I think the strongest asset I’ve learned I have is the quality of my friendships.  I’m usually the strong, independent one dispensing counsel and advice (even if they don’t want it or listen to me – though I’m usually right!).  This time I had to lean on my friends,  a humbling, somewhat embarrassing but enlightening experience for me.  From the fiercest loyaties to uncanny empathy from seemingly distant friends, my friends have been there for me.  Friends that have driven to Euless via downtown Dallas on their way to Frisco to friends that have held my why I cried at the bathroom at work they have all made a difference.  The thing I am most amazed and grateful for is that not one of them has said, “I told you so” including my male friends though I’m sure more than one has thought it.  I’ve received nothing but love and support from offering their houses, a good drunk, use of their anti-depressents or sleeping pills, their crowbars, an ass kicking (mine or his) or to hang Christmas lights on my house.  Some have been emphatic that HE’S just a bastard to those that have helped me see my responsibility in the situation.  Although I still don’t understand exactly what’s happened, each has been complimentary to my getting myself together.   So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for my friends.  I think the thing they’ve all been amazed by is my ability to actually open up.  Maybe I’ve been playing it a little too tough. I love you guys! Your friend, Tonya

Dear Dirk – Mavs vs. Heat

Hello Dahling!

I’ve missed you.  I think you guys earned the break (all-star) but my season package seems to be light on tickets this second half ofthe season so it seems like forever since we’ve been together (or at least since I’ve been to a game).    The game last night was great if a little anti-climatic.   Without Wade the game wasn’t really even close and even Chad said it’s a little boring when they win this easy.  Avery was definitely working his bench.  I think at one point he had the two rookies, a Mavs Dancer, the Mavs Maniac little person and some random fan on the court. 

It’s a great place to be where your team is so fantastic that there’s not really any competition for them.  The Jet was having a fabulous game and Segana got his requisite 2 points but was doing a great job against Shaq.  Jerry was shooting some nice 3 pointers and Buckner was doing something out of Phantom of the Opera.  I’m thinking that maybe the whole team should wear war masks when you play as there was something a little intimidating about it.    You were fantastic as usual.  I thought you might have put in cruise.  Jet had more points on the board then you for quite a while but you end up the night with a nice 30 point game.  You should be the league MVP, you’re already mine.  I even put on the gray MVP shirts they handed out although it didn’t match my pink lipstick as well as my pink Dirk jersey did.

I actually had a little empathy for the Shaq and the Heat when we were up by 30.  I had a flashback to my own soccer game the night before.  Like them we had a late game that didn’t start until almost 9.  Like them we were losing badly after the first half.  Like them we started the second half dispirited and lethargic.  Unlike them we were not able to make up any ground.  It was 9-1 at the end of our first half.  The score would have been worse but the other team decided to make it tougher on themselves the second half and wouldn’t score unless every member of their team had touch the ball.  Yes, 9-1 was our soccer score and no we don’t score by 2’s.  Being European I’m sure you know that but I get this feeling people read our email so I wanted to make sure to clarify.

In addition to being thoroughly trounced, I ended up with multitude of injuries.  I’ve got huge bruise on left arm (it might be broken but I’m tough so I’ll soldier through), huge bruise on left thigh, twisted and probably sprained left ankle, two bloody knees and a knot on my head from my header pass.  I don’t normally do any head (in soccer).  I don’t really like balls near my face which is why I play soccer versus other activities.  However it was a nice pass if I do say so myself.    If you’d like to come over and help nurse me back to health I’d certainly appreciate it.

I’ve got my playoff tickets all taken care of so I’m eager to wrap up the rest of the season and get on the the good stuff!

World’s Shortest Fairytale

A girlfriend sent this to me.  I think this means that as soon as this hurting stops I will realize I actually got the fairytale.   Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, ‘Will you marry me? ‘The guy said ‘No’ and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on. The End

Bad news – for me anyway

Well my Tahiti dive trip is off.  My Mr. Right has decided to go back to his cheating wife.  She lied, cheated on him, told him he was useless and no good then left him for another man so I can I can completely see why he would want that back. And if that wasn’t mean enough she told him she never liked having sex with him.    It’s a wonder it only took him 7 months to decide he wanted her back. Just for the record I had nothing to do with separation and didn’t start seeing him until after she had already moved out.  He told me he was just waiting for her to sign the papers.  I know, I know what your going to say.   I’m beating myself up for being such a idiot.  If I’m truthful this is the second time he’s done this to me.  We dated 10 years ago.  More the fool me.  And intellectually I know that in the long run I’m lucky and he isn’t worth the tears I’ve shed but right now it hurts, a lot.  The upside is I’ve lost 5 lbs!  I have some gently used scuba gear for sale if anybody’s interested.

Swim with the Fishes – Part 2

Yea!  I’m officially certified!  Though to be honest it was a bit touch and go there for a minute.  There’s nothing I like more than waking up at 6 am on Saturday and driving 90 miles to go stuff my big butt into a rubber suit and jumping into 70 degree water at 8:30 in the morning!  If only I could do that every weekend.  NOT!  Our morning we gear up and do our giant leap entry (don’t I sound official) into the water.  Since I was wearing to rubber suits I’ll admit it was that bad.  The instructor takes us out to the middle and tells us to descend to the 20′ platform.  We do this with our dive buddies (Hi Susan!)  and I make it to the platform.  As we are standing down there I see this massive 9′ catfish coming at me mouth open with 6″ fangs. (I’m not kidding!)  I manage not to panic and stay on the platform then I start watching the instructor directing the others to take of the mask.  That’s when I panic and bee line to the surface.  I’m not cut out for this diving stuff.  I eventually calm myself down and manage to get back down to the platform AND do all my required skills.  I did hold my nose when he made me take of the mask but that really only works so well because you’ve got to put you mask back on and its full of water.  But I did it!  On one descent my buddy and I lost track of the dive rope and we ended up about 40′ down in the dark and the dive master had to come find us.  The course ends with a final dive that you and your buddy plan yourself.  We stick to a simple plan.  Go across the lake, go up for a bit, come back across and get out of the water.  You have to use a compass because there’s only about 10′ visibility.  We set off pumped up about our dive.  It seems forever but eventually we make it to the other side of the lake.  As we are doing our check I don’t notice the swamp a the bottom that is slowly sucking me down.  I try to kick out but I keep getting further and further down.  I’m kicking and pumping my BC as hard as I can.  I finally manage to free myself (and not head to the surface).  When we check our remaining air we have only enough to make it back across.   On the way back we find the rope that takes us back to our dock.  Bingo!  We are set.   As we are following the rope, it disappears.  I’m looking around confused and something grabs my foot.  I kick like a maniac and fill my BC.  I’m trying to get away and its pulling me back.  WTF!  I finally realize that it’s the dive instructor trying to keep me at depth.  They had been rolling up the damn rope.  I get a lecture about not using your BC and an express elevator.   It was a great weekend overall but I was more sore and tired than I’ve been in forever.  I’m naturally buoyant (go figure) and I had two neoprene suits on so they had to put tons of weight on my to get me to sink.  That’s fine when you under water but it’s a bitch to carry on dry land.   I slept for 12 hours on Sunday but I’m now officially a scuba diver!