South America – Travel Diary (Part 4)

Day 14 – At sea

Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 2 Interest: 0
Partying: 2

This is the worst sea day of all. At this point I’m ready to be home. I’m missing Chaddy something fierce. I’m actually tired of eating 5 times and day, napping twice a day. As much as I love her, 14 days of constant togetherness is starting to wear thin. I can confidently say she feels exactly the same.

We do our game of torture bingo and pack. Packing feels like we are closer to being home. Our limited shopping opportunities has an upside as I manage to get everything back into the 2 suitcases I brought.

Will kill time napping and giving NCL more of money via the slot machines. Daisy and I do appetizers in the tapas bar when they walk in. Wow there’s more. We notice them, they notice us and we feel a magnetic attraction. More people under 50! And if this isnt’ glory enough, she’s got a bowl of tortilla chips. OMG I’m craving Mexican food so bad. A great excuse to start conversation. We get our own bowl of chips and even some Pace picante!

This is Courtney and Ashley from Canada (more people with fascinating lives) and they are doing a 1 year around the world trip. I hate them as much as I love them. They ask Daisy if we are married. Meaning to each other!

We are so excited by them that we invite them to join us with our BFFs. I feel a twinge of regret since they had just canceled with their ‘other’ friends to enjoy the last evening with us. But they liked seeing young people to so it worked out well.

What I learned today:
• 14 day cruise is too long
• I may just have to go gay.

Day 15 – Valpraiso, Vino del Mar, Santiago – Going home

The day hasn’t started well and though we didn’t know it at the time it wasn’t going to end well either. We thought we had booked the 8 hour city and wine tasting tour. The girls had done the same. We find out we had booked a different tour so that forced us to leave the girls early. This is the first in a series of unfortunate events.

We tour Valpraiso and Vino del Mar which is essentially like Marina del Rey. Not much different than the MVD tour but the guide is at least articulate and knowledgeable. They tell us we’re having salmon for lunch so I’m glad I decided to take the Chinese diet pills.

Lunch includes a wine and some Pisco Sour. Since Daisy doesn’t drink I’m planning to get hers. Today she decidies to thwart me and gets white wine. How rude!

There’s nothing particularly exciting about Santiago. Big city, lots of people, smog. Not sure we gave completely fair shake because we were just ready to get home. Daisy and I did attend Easter mass service at the cathedral in the main square but not even that act of contrition made thing any better.

They drop us off at the airport and the next incident occurs. We can’t find one of Daisy’s suitcase. And has normal for this cruise line, everyone seems clueless and their attitude is lackadaisical. We’re leaving Santiago airport not knowing if it will ever show up. I’m going to believe that it is. It contains her wedding ring. I’m sitting here waiting for people to sit down so we can close the doors and take off.

Here’s a summary of some of my insights for this trip

What I learned:
• A two week cruise is too long unless our 80 or 18 and in the Navy.
• Big cities everywhere are like big cities everywhere.
• Old people are a pain.
• Chile was the best country we visited but would only return to the far south region of Patagonia.
• Avoid NCL cruiseline. They are rude and not good value for the money (except for us because we only paid $500). They will also lose your luggage. Entertainment was lame and juvenile.
• My best investment was the Amazon Kindle. Finished 5 books and it took up no room. I’m going to spend so much money ordering books.
• I will not take another trip this long again without taking Chad.
• Riding in first class is WAY better than riding in coach.
• Glaciers are amazing.
• We love Julie and Beth and their boys even though we’ve yet to meet them. We’ll miss them but plan to visit in the fall.

THE END (or so I thought)

Blog update 9:15

We’ve just backed off but we’re returning to the gate. The lights in the cockpit don’t work. Isn’t that something they test before they pull out. Engines – check, flaps – check, authorize the tug. Hey before we go any further can we turn the lights on.

Blog update 10:30

Still working on fixing the light that some how was apparent by the DARK!

Blog update 11:30

They are issuing dinner vouchers but only if you ask them for it. Great customer service. Feedback is that restaurant is out of food all that’s left is wraps with wilted lettuce. Still glad I took the Chinese diet pills.

Blog update 1 am

Flight officially canceled. Good thing I bought 6 bottles of wine that I can’t bring back through customs. Its complete chaos.

Blog update 3 am

Finally checked into hotel but no idea when or what flight we leave on. We’ve been told 9am, 11am, 12 am 5pm and 9pm. This is seriously not fun. I’m never traveling again. I hate AA. They tell us called Res. We call. Its closed

Blog update 5 am

Have had shower and repacked. No clue when I’m leaving going to go down and check at 7. Still appreciating Chinese diet pills.

Blog update 7 am

Can’t get reservations. Can’t find anyone online. My 20 years of airline experience and 15 million facebook friends is really paying off.

Blog update 10:30 am

Finally some useful information! Told we’re leaving at 9pm today. Thank you Pat. I’m done blogging.

South America – Travel Diary (Part 3)

Day 10 – At sea
Drinking: 9 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 5 Interest: 0
Partying: 2

Bummer another day at sea. We wake late. What’s the point? No place to go and nothing to do until bingo at 11. We have breakfast, play bingo, then eat lunch. We go to lunch a little cheered as Daisy won a whopping $75. We’ve probably spent 4 times that much so far. After bingo it’s the usual, nap, read, update my travel diary.

Tonight we are having dinner with the couples we met on the first day. Have I mentioned that this if the first night I can get Daisy to drink. I wear the wig tonight because I’m bored. I need to figure out how to make the darn thing stick because it comes off at dinner. We pass it around the table and it makes the older women look significantly younger. Note to older self: use wigs.

We go from dinner straight to the sports bar which has become a sanctuary where we promptly order fries and wings. We just finished a 3 course meal. We’ve not done a single lap around the ship today. Its not looking good for the weight avoidance strategy. The Chinese diet pills are not working.

I have another drink. Can I tell you how much fun it is drinking alone. Actually drinking alone is fun, drinking by yourself with others looking at you with that face is real joy. The bar staff said leave me alone she’s on vacation. They also got Up Dog! I like the sports bar. They’re only problem is they didn’t show any sports. ESPN stopped working once we got into Chilean waters. Never got a valid explanation why.

What I learned today:
• Not much
• The second slot machine on the port side two machines in hits pretty consistently. I finally won something.

Day 11 – At sea

Drinking: 9 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 5 Interest: 0
Partying: 2

I don’t remember how it exactly came up but at some point Daisy and I got into a discussion about who could run faster and decided the only way to settle it was to have race around the ship. We are both obviously the standards of physical beauty and agility so I’m not sure why we have to prove anything but she’s so damn competitive she won’t back down.

I wake early (9:30) and mostly hang over free. I have a headache but I think its early warning I’m about to have an aneurism. I jump in shower to shave my legs telling Daisy its in preparation for our massages later in the day but its really because I want to increase my speed and cut down on any friction. I don’t need anything that’s going to slow me up. I go to breakfast and instead of the breakfast of champions I have raisin bran. I just can’t seem to get regular on this trip.

I take a warm up lap to chart my strategy and go back up stairs to wait for Daisy. She thinks she’s going to psych me out with her White Rock lake 10K t-shirt, but I ain’t skeerd. Somehow everyone on the boat knows we’re about the race but there’s no one there to see us off until Julie shows up and takes pictures for posterity. This is where we should have just called it off. We must do 3 laps (about a mile) and then be the first person back to the sports bar however you get there.

Naturally, I am the early leading and except for a pit stop to tie my shoes, Daisy only ever sees my behind. Even with that I can still hear her behind me talking smack. Well at least for the first lap.

After the first lap its apparent we are too old and out of shape, especially to sprint a mile. I’m running with tears streaming down my face and snot flying out my nose. Stupid old people keep getting into the jogging path creating unnecessary obstacles.

I finish my 3 laps far ahead of Daisy and cut through the casino to get to sports bar. The sports bar is on deck 11. We are racing on deck 6. Somehow Daisy is at the stairs the same time I am. How the hell did she do that? I make a final push and fly up the stairs as fast as I can. Thankfully she’s slowed to walk after two flights so I can slow down. I’m about to pass out. I cross into the sports bar first! I am the winner! I am the fastest most beautiful racer on earth or at least in southern hemisphere. Daisy will have to admit I am physically superior. She doesn’t.

Then it hits me. I can’t breathe. I feel like there’s an anvil on my chest. I can’t seem to suck in a lung full of air. I can’t decide if passing out or throwing up will make me feel better.

The our winery friends offer to by a bottle of wine for the victor. We’ll be having red if my lungs don’t collapse, my heart gives out and my brain aneurism goes off. We reward ourselves with a spa service. There’s nothing like having someone rub on you while the boat gently rocks you to sleep.

Oh, we also passed the Magellan straights and they were very beautiful.

What I learned today:
• As much I would like to believe otherwise, I cannot sprint a mile.
• Shaving your legs before getting a ginger lime scrub is not a good idea.

Day 12 – Chacabuco, Chile
Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 3 Interest: 10
Partying: 3

The one thing Daisy did not want to do on this trip was horseback riding. So what did we do today, a horseback ride. Our new BFFs tell Daisy they are going and invite us and Daisy readily agrees. Beth and Julie can do in two days that I couldn’t as her BFF for 15 years. Thanks guys, I think.

This excursion has only 7 members which is nice for a change. It was only a 30 minute drive to the farm but we had to suffer the entire time listening to some pompous ass talk not non-stop about fly fishing. Yawn. The property is gorgeous. I’m running out of adjectives to explain the beauty of the things we see.

They began the process of assigning us our valiant steeds with only a couple of issues. Two of the mares had foals. Daisy was assigned one of those. That foal was like a rambunctious teenager. It loved to come over and pester my horse. The foal got caught in my reins causing my horse to rear up. I thought I was going to make my acquaintance with the turf but somehow managed to stay in my saddle and get my reins. I think I’m now ready for pro rodeo circuit.

One old man (did I tell you I’ve had enough of old people) talked about his riding experience so he got the other mare with a foal that was only about 3 – 4 weeks old. In the process of getting things organized, this mother and foal got separated and the foal got into it with a cow. This caused the baby to cry, the cows to bellow, the dogs to bark and the mom to go a bit crazy. Actually felt sorry for the guy. He turned all kinds of shades of white. They had to get him a different horse.

The ride was through some amazing countryside. It looked like something out of Lord of the Rings. We forded several streams and came to one that was actually quite deep. I was proud of Daisy. This is not her favorite past time and she managed to stay her seat the entire time even when her horse decided to cross the deepest part of the deepest stream.

The most memorable event of the day occurred in the last 10 minutes of the ride. Most of it had already made it back to the stables. Julie and her horse kept to a slow and steady pace, very slow and steady. However, once her horse sighted the barn it took off at a full gallop with Julie hanging on for dear life, laughing hysterically the entire way. Her horse gets to the barn and stops at the fence. Julie thinks it because she finally figured out when to use the reins but I think its because the horse knew it was home.

I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. Her horse even made a jump and she managed to stay on. She got of laughing with tears in her eyes. I’m not sure if they were tears of joy (to be alive), tears for fears or tears of hilarity. I glance over at the trail boss guys and they are both doing their best not to laugh but it was too irresistible.

My only true regret is that I did not have my camera set to video. There’s no way I would I’d not take the top prize on America’s Funniest Videos. I’d be $100K richer. Don’t worry girls I would have sent $500 to each of the boys for their college fund.

We ask the girls where we were having dinner this evening. They sort of look at each other kind of sheepishly and tell us they have other plans with some other couples. What! Daisy and I have to go to dinner by ourselves. We already had enough of each other. We mope back to our room since we have nothing to do now. We have dinner in the same dining room as the girls and their ‘other’ friends staring at them longingly from afar.

What I learned today:
• Julie is a superior horsewoman.
• Friends can be fickle.

Day 13 – Puerto Montt, Chile
Drinking: 3 Shopping: 5
Gambling: 0 Interest: 10
Partying: 3

Back to back port days. I’m ashamed to admit but I’m glad there’s only two more days on ship. The only excursion that Daisy was insistent on was white water rafting. This is slightly strange since she can’t really swim. Our BFFs have also booked this excursion so we’ve got another day together. We’ve forgiven them for cheating on us.

This was the excursion I least looked forward to. Not because of the rafting but because of the weather. Except for our brief cab ride in Buenos Aires, we’ve seen little if any sun. Its been downright cold. Docking in Puerto Montt, the weather doesn’t look much better. Its foggy and misty. My excitement level has not increased at all.

We board the bus (in jackets) and it takes us on our hour and half ride to the river. This area is fantastic. Chile is the most beautiful country we visited. We follow the edge of a lake crowned by snow capped volcanoes.

The fog has been slowly dissipating and by the time we arrive at the put in point it has turned into a glorious sunny day. This is excellent but I’m thinking we are going into glacier run off so its still going to be cold. The guide tells us the river is fed by a lake so not as cold. However, we are donning wet suits so I’m not sure his version of cold and mine are the same. Watching 15 women of various shapes, sizes, ages and levels of discretion try to put on wet suits in a 5 x 5 tent was very amusing.

Suited up and assigned our guide, we had our safety briefing (grab the rope, don’t drop the road) and finally put in. The water was actually lovely, cool but not cold. We even took a dip in the river. Either I’m going to have to go on diet or Daisy needs to start working out because she couldn’t pull my fat ass into the boat after this. The rafting was a blast and we had a boat full of great people. The day was glorious.

We did quite well for a bunch of inexperienced rafters, Daisy never fell in, Julie only bloodied Beth’s lip unintentionally. Sadly, we came in second place in the great white water raft race.

We had a celebratory or consolatory dinner with our boat mates. Its always so interesting meeting new people. What I don’t like is they all seem to have more fabulous and interesting lives than mine. Zola was the only other single girl I met. Wasn’t looking good for us on ship of old people, married people or gay men.

What I learned today:
• This is the area of South America I will actually come back to.
• The area was settled by Germans and retain much of the German culture.
• Daisy is quite brave.

South America – Travel Diary (Part 2)

Day 5 – At sea.
Drinking: 1 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 3 Interest: .5
Partying: 3

Slept in late today. Well, we did stay out past 10 last night. Another lazy (aka boring) day. Ran into the girls from the winery and scheduled dinner with them this evening. We asked what they did in port yesterday and they did some type of fossil trek. I told them they should have saved their money. They see that on the boat everyday.

Look I don’t dislike old people (at least until we cruised with them). I even plan to be one day far, far, far into the future. Most of these are on extended holidays of 3, 4, 5 and 6 month cruises. I know they’ve worked hard and saved money. But they are also collecting from a system (social security) in amounts that they could not have paid into. Even my granny says it’s the best investment she ever made. I’ve been paying into the system since I was 14. The chances that I’ll get to draw at 62 are quickly diminishing. With our current economy, I’ll be lucky to retire before I’m 80 and then I’m not sure I’ll have funds to take 6 month cruises.

Sea days are sssllloooowww. Time is killed by moving from one feeding trough to another with naps or reading in between. We avoid most ship activities except bingo because they are LAME. Bingo isn’t much better but there is at least a chance to win money. Sea days are probably the reason most people jump. After every bingo session, they’ve had to talk me off the rails.

Dinner is great with Julie and Beth who we are now our BFFs.

What I learned today:
• Avoid buffet line at peak feeding times.
• Simon is wrong about cruise ship entertainment. Anything I’ve seen on American Idol including William Hung is better than everything I’ve seen on ship.

Day 6 – Falkland Islands

Drinking: 8 Shopping: 4
Gambling: 7 Interest: 7
Partying: 7

We’ve made it to the Falklands. I love port days! We’ve decided not to do an excursion today. A brief aside on excursions. Simply, they are a rip off. They are slow, often late, cut short and expensive. However, they are also no-brainers. No thinking. No planning. No bargaining. Charged right to your room. Next time we would do our own though it will be a long time before I do another cruise.

Sorry back to the Falkland Islands….

We take tender to the pier and hike up to the small village. As we walk down the lane, I think somehow the boast must have got lost during the evening and traveled 1000s of miles to England overnight. We are walking through a traditional English village, complete with mist and fog. Its truly hard to believe that you are in South America. I love it here. There’s not much to do but I would have loved to stay the night and hang out at the pub and talk to the locals about their life here.

We found a little pub and had traditional English fish and chips. It was one of the best meals I’ve had so far. It was as good as anything you’d get in the U.K. We met a couple from Oklahoma. Retirees, surprise, surprise. They were super nice and invited us to dinner and to view glaciers from their room.

This is the first place we’ve been able to do any shopping. So far none of the excursions have left anytime for shopping. Here’s my shopping achievements in the Falklands: 1 – t-shirt, 1 – wine cork, 2 – bags of chips, 2 – cans of coke (they cost $1.75 on ship) and 1 – bottle of water. Not sure why I bought the wine cork, I’ve never had a bottle of wine last long enough be corked. It’s the cute penguin at the top.

Daisy and I have dinner reservations but we are rocking pretty good today and she’s not feeling so great so its dinner for 1 tonight. I run into our BFF Beth on the way out and we head to the casino. We chat up one of the casino guys with great eyelashes. He also has 6 kids by 6 women and just heard that day that he may have another on the way by yet another. I hope he’s a male emperor penguin in his next life.

What I learned today:
• Spanish is illegal in Falkland Islands.
• Its only 600 miles from Antarctica.
• Argentina left land mines during their invasion that still exist. Penguins are too light to set them off but there is the occasional leg of lamb! Hahahah I crack myself up.
• The Falklands are knows as the Malvinas to Argentineans

Day 7 – At sea / Cape Horn

Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 1 Interest: 2
Partying: 0

Have I mentioned I’m not fond of sea days. The monotony is only broken by the torture that is ship style bingo.

Since these days are slow there’s not much to talk about. Let me used this time to tell you a little bit about our cabin. And more specifically the bathroom. We have an inside cabin forward. If you went through our walls you’d practically be in the water. We get to hear them drop anchor link by link.

When I said our cabin has the basic necessities this applies to the bathroom as well: toilet, mirror, towel, water, light, door. The toilet does not have a powerful flushing mechanism. I’ve gotten used to seeing daisy’s pee in the toilet before I pee. The shower is a torture chamber. No matter what temperature I set it for from luke warm to steaming hot, it does this thing where it starts at the temperature I set then switches to boiling. My showers are all punctuated by my screams.

The bathroom and shower get so hot that the first thing I do is sit down as I usually feel like I’m going to faint. I come out of the shower sweating needing another shower. The other challenge is the blow dryer. It is really just a leaf blower attached to the wall and produces essentially the same results.

The girls have invited us to their room to go around the Cape. They have balcony! They’ve got wine, cheese, bread, fruit, nuts. They now OFFICIALLY our BFFs. I’m still not sure what series of rocks was officially the cape but it doesn’t matter. We had good food, good drink, a good view and great company.

What I learned today:
• Its official. I don’t like old people. They are like teenagers, rude, mean and selfish.
• One should not shower in rough seas (have bruises to prove it).
• Video poker is just a slower way to lose your money.
• Cape Horn is the big rock with the light house and flag on it. Apparently, I missed it.

Day 8 – Ushuiaia, Argentina

Drinking: 0 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 0 Interest: 0
Partying: 0

Thank God for port days. We arrive before dawn and the first view of the town is breathtaking. It’s a small village nestled at the foot of magnificent snow capped mountains. The caps just glow in the pre-dawn light.

We’ve booked another tour which has us on a catamaran cruising the Beagle channel. The scenery is stunning. Neither words nor pictures can capture the beauty. The driver, I mean captain, takes us to a small series islands teeming with wildlife, cormorants, sea lines, seals, sea ducks, albatross. Its amazing to watch the seals swim and jump out of the water next to the boat.

The second half of the tour is by bus through Tierra del Fuego national forest. Again, breathtakingly beautiful. I get to send Chaddy a post card from the southern most post office in the world. The post master was quite a character. I wish I had taken a picture but the post shack was about 4 x 6 and it was wall to wall people (mean old people). Coming out of the post shack, Daisy points out a beautiful red fox native to the area that’s come out of the forest.

Today we depart at 2pm hours earlier than any other port. This is the one of the few places we actually want to spend more time at. As with the other tours they give us no time to shop. This is getting quite annoying. My souvenir list currently consists of one t-shirt and one wine cork.

Our friends from Oklahoma invite us to their cabin to watch the glaciers. This is working out pretty good for us. We’ve saved tons on the room and just take turns crashing other peoples balconies. We arrive to find only the husband, Keith. The wife, Terry, is still at the glacier lecture. Unlike our ‘official’ BFFs, Keith and Terry, have no appetizers or wine waiting for us. However they do have fantastic views and are really nice.

Keith is so nice he keeps escorting me to the balcony railing for better views. After a for more helping hands, I finally realize I’m being groped by an old pervert. This is classic.

The next two hours are spent viewing spectacular glaciers and dancing around a small balcony trying to avoid the octopus. “No I’m fine in this corner. Much less wind.” Yes his wife is there the whole time. Its been the best and the worst part of trip so far. We do dinner with them where Keith introduces us to the matire’d as his fiancé and girlfriend. After dinner it’s a hasty retreat to the safety of our room. I at least know why we left Ushuaia early. Otherwise we would have passed the glaciers in the dark.

What I learned today:
• Most of the city and development was built by prisoners.
• Beavers and rabbits were introduced artificially and are destroying the environment because they have no natural predators.
• The glaciers are rapidly retreating. Some of the ones we saw could be gone within as little as 30 years. NOTE TO SELF: must stop global warning.
• Never trust friendly old men from Oklahoma
• Patagonia means something like land of giants or people with big feet. Can’t remember exactly.

Day 9 – Punta Arenas, Chile

Drinking: 1 Shopping: 5
Gambling: 0 Interest: 4
Partying: 2

Back to back port days. I’m in heaven. No excursion today. We’ll tour on our own. It’s a 10 hour dock so we’ll take our time.

Our best find is the internet café. They charge only, no wait guess. Come on guess. Ok, I’ll tell you. Drum roll please. One (1) U.S. dollar per hour. This is the best value on the trip so far. The ship charges something like $4 per minute. After two hours and maybe a dozen emails read, the connection was that slow, we head back into town. Reading email was funny. As much as it puts you back in touch, you realize how easily life goes by without you.

We see the rest of the town in about an hour and we’ve still got 5 hours before we leave. It’s a good thing we find a quaint little restaurant that took two and a half hours to serve us 2 appetizers and a glass of wine. I was tickled pink my wine cost the same as Daisy’s coke light.

We have dinner reservations with our BFFs but unfortunately I can’t make it. The slightly undercooked scallops from this afternoons culinary experience have come back to haunt me. Its several hours before I feel like myself again. Daisy and the girls are sweet and bring me ice cream but having any milk on my stomach doesn’t seem like a great idea.

We head to the sports bar for some salty popcorn. I’m ready to attempt the midnight, oops sorry it’s a geriatric cruise, I mean 10:30 pm chocolate buffet. This buffet line, remarkably, is worse than the standard buffet line. I swear I saw some lady take her cane to another old lady. We watched them layout a tray of chocolate dipped strawberries which immediately transferred to some old lady’s plate. The entire tray!

Don’t get me wrong we have our fair share of chocolate deserts. If a few old people went down in the process well too damned bad. Ok its half way through our cruise and I officially hate old people.

We take our plates and escape to the sports bar. We teach the girls hearts and are trying to go easy on them until we realize that Julie is trying to shoot the moon on the second hand!

What I learned today:
• There’s opportunity hear to open my own internet café and make some money!
• Julie is sneaky!

South America – Travel Diary (Part 1)

Prolog

For this years great adventure, Daisy and I decided on a 14 day South American cruise. We’ve seen quite a bit of the world but had yet to make in any further south than Costa Rica in the Americas. Daisy’s reasoning was that the cruise would give us a taste of South America and then we could decide where to revisit based on results.

We considered a few different vacation options but found an irresistible cruise deal. We booked early then watched the price continually drop over the next couple of weeks. Luckily, we could rebook and eventually got the cruise for the astoundingly low price of $449. Where can you get a 14 day tour package that includes hotel, transfers and food for that price? Nowhere, I’ll tell ya! In light of my company’s employee and salary cutbacks, our frugality could not have been more timely. We booked in December and it seemed to take forever for April to get here. Work friends, family, the economy and the news were stressing me out.

Travel Day – Dallas to Buenos Aires, Argentina

After weeks of preparing and shopping (I can’t go on vacation without new clothes), our departure finally arrived. At 2 am, I finally finished packing. It only took 1 bottle of wine, 1 bag of Cheetos, 16 tears of frustration and 9 facebook entries.

I actually managed to get 2 weeks of clothes into 2 carry-on sized suitcases. A significant accomplishment if I do say so myself. The cruise went through multiple climates with temperatures ranging from the 30s to the 90s so you had to have everything from a bathing suit to parka and with shoes to match, of course.

Mom agreed to take us to the airport (mostly because she wanted use of the old gray mare). I think she was glad to see the back of me. I was being a cranky brat.

Thanks to Kurt who generously upgraded us to first/business for our flights. Nothing beats first class international travel. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Day 1 – Departing Buenos Aires, Argentina

Drinking: 1 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 0 Interest: 2
Partying: 0

We arrive in Buenos Aires with no issues and manage to get through customs in good time. What we saw of Buenos Aires was viewed only only through the windows of the taxi but it looked nice so we may have a consider a more in depth trip.

Being the keen observer that I am (or because all that was visible to the naked eye was a sea of grey and white), I quickly notice that Daisy and I are a good 20 years younger than almost every single person around us. In terms of sheer beauty then its almost a 25 to 30 year difference for Daisy and easily 40 for me. Hey Daisy is two years older than me and we know how aging years work. Its exponential. Don’t blame me its just science.

I had pretty low expectations to start with. Most young people don’t cruise and certainly not for 14 days but I was hoping to at least encounter some 30-40 something-s. Even Europeans. Its ok, not expecting a rocking booze cruise for this trip.

We get to our room immediately. This is mostly because Daisy doesn’t take no for an answer. Our cabin / shoe box is small but has all the necessities. We toyed with the idea of upgrading but decided to use our funds elsewhere (shopping, drinking, gambling).

We have a nice dinner and turn in early. Its exhausting traveling and we have an early morning excursion.

What I learned today:
• Don’t take no for an answer

Day 2 – Montevideo, Uruguay

Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 0 Interest: 1
Partying: 0

Today’s agenda is a city tour and a winery visit on a motor coach. So far it seems whenever I’m in motion I can’t keep my eyes open. I just had a good 9 hours of sleep yet I managed to sleep a good portion of the tour. The city tour left something to be desired. I’m not sure if it was the fault of the city, the fault of the tour operator or the fact that I slept through most of it. Regardless, it didn’t seem to hold enough interest for me to ever want to return.

The winery is a definite improvement. It was a bit out of the city and the countryside was beautiful. The wines were so-so (none worth buying) but the lunch was quite good. At the winery, we got lucky and got a great group of lunch companions. There were two retired couples and much to our great surprise two girls who were even younger than us. Julie and Beth are in a relationship and have two beautiful 1 year old twins. The retires were in their 70s but were actually quite fond of a good time and alcoholic libations. They drank more wine than Daisy. That’s not hard to do, luckily for me!

We return to the ship and grab a quick dinner and go straight to bed. The ship is moving and my eyes just won’t stay open.

What I learned today:
• Its pronounced úrrrr-a-gwhy not ur-a-gay.
• Uruguay is the most stable democracy in South America.
• Its required by law to vote. Failure to vote can get you sent to jail. I like this.
• Education is free and compulsory through university. I like this too.

Day 3 – At sea

Drinking: 0 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 0 Interest: 1
Partying: 0

Daisy springs out of bed at an ungodly 6am today. She would like to say it was for a pre-dawn 5 mile jog, but it was really for an early breakfast and to read her book. I crawl out of bed about 9 am. How many of hours of sleep is this now? I think I’ve slept 29 out of the last 48.

This is a really lazy day. The day’s biggest excitement is bingo with the gray hairs. Granny (my mom) has ruined me for ‘just for fun’ bingo I’m embarrassed to admit. I’m getting highly irritated with the bingo caller and his running commentary and lame ass jokes. The stupid people with the bingo machines keep on winning. Aggghhhh. Why am I so uptight about bingo? The jackpot for each game is only between $75 and $95. Not a good return on your investment since the session cost between $30 and $50.

After bingo there’s not much to do so we take a couple of laps around the ship. Not sure if it was a mile but it does constitute as exercise. Planning for vacation we said we were going to work out everyday. Haven’t quite met the goal yet but maybe we’re just working up to that.

Daisy’s 6am reveille, our exercise session and the excitement of bingo have finally caught up with her. She’s decided to take a nap. Not me! I’m going to 3:45 bingo to redeem myself and beat the Depends off those old women. Newsflash: This doesn’t work. I slink back to room and read for while to let Daisy rest.

Somehow I’ve fallen asleep again. When we finally wake up we can’t even muster the energy to walk two floors to the dining room so tonight it is room service. Will not repeat that mistake again.

We get some good waves this evening. I feel like I’m being rocked to sleep but it gives Daisy a touch of seasickness.

What I learned today:
• Sea days are boring
• Ship bingo sucks
• Ship room service sucks
• I’m beginning to not like old people
• Old people are mean and dangerous at a buffet.

Day 4 – Port Madryn, Argentina

Drinking: 6 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 7 Interest: 10
Partying: 7

We didn’t book an excursion in every port but today’s excursion came highly recommended. We took a bus tour to Punta Toomba rookery. It is supposed to be one of the largest penguin colonies in the world.

We are taking our trip late in the season so we are told by tour operators that they are not sure how many penguins will still be there. After the disappointment of the Montevideo tour I’m a bit concerned. For the money we are paying, they better have gone to the zoo and nailed them to the ground for us.

It’s a 2.5 half hour drive to the rookery. The landscape is basically desert which is weird because it butts up right to the ocean. It looks much like West Texas, Vegas or Arizona.

We arrive at the rookery and they feed us some type of box lunch. Its food that I’ve never really seen before with the exception of the apple. I’m told it’s a chicken sandwich. So far this excursion is not looking much better than the first. We skip lunch and quickly head down to the beach.

Now this is why I travel. The landscape is fantastic and there are still 1000s of penguins. You walk amongst nests with birds only inches away. During the high season there would have been 100s of 1000s of birds. I’m sort of glad we didn’t do high season. It would have been an amazing sight but also intimidating. I remember Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds.

I like penguins. Its of one of the few species where the male does most of the work. That speaks to something in me. Males watch the kids and the girls head to the beach to frolic in the warm waters gorging themselves and getting fat before waddling back to a very grateful man. Maybe in my next life if we haven’t ruined the planet I’ll come back as a penguin. A girl penguin. You need to be specific with the universe. I like turtles too so maybe the Galapagos for my next trip.

We would have stayed there for hours. We were the last ones on the bus much to the chagrin of our tour guides and the bus full of retires. Didn’t make me feel too bad I told you I’m not real keen on old people right now.

I’ve told Daisy we have got to stay up past 10 tonight. We are getting out partied by the geriatrics. Daisy told me ok but you have to stop being so negative. What! Is she kidding? Me negative? Hey pot. Meet kettle! No I’m not she says. Yea whatever.

Ok so maybe I have been a little Debbie Downer, so out from the underwear drawn come my mini vodka bottles I smuggled on board. Now I don’t NEED alcohol to improve my outlook, but it helps. A red bull vodka is just the thing.

Is it a coincidence that as I’m enjoying my pre-dinner aperitif that Karen Carpenter’s I’m on Top of the World comes on the ship channel? Or is it divine intervention? You decide.

Yes I know technically we are on the bottom of world but doesn’t really just depend on which way you hold the globe? Now Daisy says I’m being weird. There is just no pleasing her.

We splurge on a cover charge restaurant and even make the ship show, Bilbly the Skinny German Juggle Boy. Hey! This is the best entertainment we’ve found so far. A few hours in the casino. Lady luck isn’t on my side tonight but this has been the best day so far.

FOOTNOTE: There were several ‘penguin’ tours scheduled throughout the cruise but the only excursion that ever encountered penguins was this one. I’m so glad we booked.

What I learned today:
• Port Madryn and the surrounding area was settled by the Welsh. The real question is why?
• Magellan penguins mate for life, sort of.
• Female penguins always return to the same next and mate unless the mate has been usurped by some hotter, better looking (aka stronger) male.
• They lay only 2 eggs.
• Daisy can’t make up her mind.