I have been trying to re-dedicate myself to my yoga practice so I can get back in shape and just generally healthier. I’ve been slacking and I’m finding it hard to go back. Yoga is really a form of exercise that is supposed to be practiced daily but there’s so much that gets in the way: work, soccer, happy hour, hangovers. Some times its just that I’m too tired or don’t feel like taking a shower that day. Though I have been known to go to yoga and not shower – but that’s is not the norm!
Soccer although an active sport isn’t helping me much as its usually 20 minutes of real exercise and 3 hours of eating and drinking.
I do Bikram yoga. I was actually quite good at and in pretty decent shape. Now, not so much. Bikram is style of yoga developed by some guy name Bikram (I’m guessing you picked that up from the name). It’s basically hatha yoga but he’s develop a specific series of 26 postures that are each done twice. Because he’s a sadist, it’s done in a room heated anywhere from 90 to 1,000,000 degrees. Most of the time I don’t mind the heat, I actually like it. Yoga’s the only time during the winter months that I actually get warm. My house is a meat locker.
I do a bit of strategizing for my yoga practice. I try to get to class early enough to find a spot farthest away from the heater and under a vent that occasionally lets in some cool air. I also try not to end up between two hotties that are just there to flaunt their 20-something bodies. Those times my practice becomes competitive cause I will out pose them.
It doesn’t take much to practice. You need a mat, a towel and some water. I bring in a frozen bottle of water so that by the time we can have our first water break I’ve got a nice cold sip of water ready. Apparently freezing your bottled water causes cancer but won’t the yoga counteract that? When I forget my bottled water I panic. Although I will say that I can actually practice a full class without taking any water, it is some kind of psychological safety net knowing its there.
I then pray that one of my favorites are teaching (Sherry or Suzann). I don’t want one of the yoga Nazis that never turn on the air or a new teacher who’s still learning the script and must repeat it word for word even if it keeps us in Camel pose for a full 5 minutes.
Yoga is supposed to be a deep, Zen, spiritual, transcendental experience. “Get in touch with your breath”, “Let it go”, “Focus”. That doesn’t seem to happen so much to me. Mine is anything but so I thought I’d share with you what goes through my head during a typical yoga class. I should probably keep this kind of stuff to myself but why start now.
Pose 1 –Pranayama Breathing / Standing Deeping Breathing Pose
My name for pose: Dang my shoulders hurt pose
My difficulty rating: 5
My capability: 8
Who would’ve thought just standing here flapping my arms and breathing would be so hard. I wonder when I’m going to end up with swine flow with all this open mouth breathing we’re doing.
Pose 2 – Ardha-Chadrasana and Pada Hastasana / Half Moon Pose and Hands to Feet
My name for pose: Half moon pose
My difficulty rating: 5
My capability: 8
Not sure why she’s telling me the name in Sanskrit its not like I’m ever going to remember it. I think this same thing every time. Maybe I should try to remember it. Dang I look skinny when I suck it in like that. I hope this isn’t the pink sport bra that looks like I’ve entered a wet t-shirt contest when I start sweating. Why don’t I ever remember to throw this one in the trash!
Ok time for the first backbend. Backbends are my speciality! I’d rather do every backward bending pose 4 times than any of the forwarding bending poses. I used to be better than this I need to come to yoga more.
Pose 3 – Utkatasna / Awkward Pose
My name for pose: Are my hips really that wide pose
My difficulty rating: 6
My capability: 6
This pose is ok. I must have a low center of gravity because I have no problem getting down low but damn my hips are filling out the entire width of the mirror. The second part is way up on the toes and I’m trying but my legs are shaking so bad they look like a jack hammers.
Pose 4 – Garurasana / Eagle Pose
My name for pose: Awkward pose
My difficulty rating: 6
My capability: 7
This is pose they should call awkward pose. Ok pay attention. Which one is my left? Look at me I’m pretty darn good at it. I should do this at the bar. Maybe someone will think it’s cool.
Pose 5 – Danddayamana-Janushirasana / Standing Head to Knee
My name for pose: Flamingo Pose
My difficulty rating: 8
My capability: 6
It looks like a room full of flamingos. That little hot thing up front thinks she something. This just isn’t my pose. Yes, Sherry I’m trying to lock my knee! I have strength and flexibility, only its strength only right side and flexibility on the left.
Pose 6 – Dandayamana-Dhanurasana / Standing Bow Pulling
My name for pose: Look at me pose!
My difficulty rating: 9
My capability: 8
Ha bitches! This is MY pose. You’re tiny but I don’t see your leg coming over the back of your head like mine is. Yea I’m holding it. I could stand like this for an hour. I wish we could do this pose 3 times. I think I need to do this one at the bar too!
Pose 7 – Tuladandasana / Balancing Stick Pose
My name for pose: T’s Pose
My difficulty rating: 8
My capability: 8
How can you not do well on a pose named after you? Gotta make my ‘T’ look good!
Pose 8 – Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Paschimotthanasana / Standing Separate leg Stretching Pose
My name for pose: Stripper Pose
My difficulty rating: 6
My capability: 6
Yea I saw my hips come up over my head. But I also saw the guy up front watching my boobs as I slowly bent from the hips to grab my ankles. Man I hope I don’t fart (again).
Pose 9 – Trikanasana / Triangle Pose
My name for pose: Triangle
My difficulty rating: 9
My capability: 6
I just can’t seem to get this since I’ve been back. My legs keep slipping apart. BUT… I’m still standing I’m still trying and half the class has sat down, a small victory.
Pose 10 – Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana / Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose
My name for pose: Tummy Tuck
My difficulty rating: 5
My capability: 4
This is not a hard pose but I hate it. I’ve got good form going in. I’m almost there. Dang still can’t reach the knee I’m going to have to bend. Ok, tucking my chin and looking at my stomach. Aggghhhh!!!! My stomach is huge! I can’t suck it in I’m bent over. I hate this pose, I hate this pose, I hate this pose.
Pose 11/12 – Tadasana and Padangustasana / Tree Pose and Toe Stand
My name for pose: Rain Forest
My difficulty rating: 4
My capability: 6
Well what do you have when you have a bunch of dripping trees. You have a rain forest! Is there anybody I want to impress today? No, then I’ll skip toe stand today.
Pose 13 – Savasana / Dead Body Pose
My name for pose: Thank god the standing is over
My difficulty rating: 1
My capability: 10
Whew I made it through another standing series and didn’t sit down but for the love of God would you please open the vents or door, I’m dying here.
Pose 14 – Pavanamuktasana / Wind Removing Pose
My name for pose: Pull my knee to my shoulder pose
My difficulty rating: 3
My capability: 9
I think you’re supposed to fart in this pose but I’m usually worried it will happen on the stripper pose. Feels nice to stretch things out though.
Pose 15 – Sit up
Ok I’ve sat up but I still can’t touch my toes.
Pose 16 – Bhujangasana / Cobra Pose
My name for pose: Cobra
My difficulty rating: 6
My capability: 7
Ah, I prefer to go backwards. I wish somebody would come hold my feet down I think I can go up higher.
Pose 17 – Salabhasana / Locust Pose
My name for pose: The man’s pose
My difficulty rating: 9
My capability: 3
Ok I’ve got my elbows under my stomach and my palms down but what am I supposed to do with my boobs? Only men can do this pose well. Mouth is down on the towel. What the hell is that smell? Did the cat piss on the towels in my closet again!
Pose 18 – Poorna-Salabhasna / Full Locust Pose
My name for pose: Plane Pose
My difficulty rating: 8
My capability: 6
Wait wait wait. I’m still getting my arms out from under my stomach and getting my boobs back into some position that doesn’t hurt. Ok, now I’m ready. I am up. I have everything off the floor. I just have big old boobs and they hang low. It is just my belly button on the floor. Just forget it!
Pose 19 – Dhanaurasana /Bow Pose
My name for pose: Bow
My difficulty rating: 8
My capability: 8
Finally a pose I can finally do again. I think I prefer the standing series. This is going to make my butt look good I’ll just kick a little harder. I like to do this one in the bathtub.
Pose 20 – Supta-Vajrasana / Fixed Firm Pose
My name for pose: Fixed firm
My difficulty rating: 9
My capability: 8
Another one of my specialties. I’m almost too flexible I could lay flat if I wanted to but you’re not supposed to but I’m glad to be back doing something I’m good at.
Pose 21 – Ardha-Kurmasana / Half Tortoise Pose
My name for pose: Prayer
My difficulty rating: 5
My capability: 7
I wonder if it is my low center of gravity (aka big butt and hips) that allows me to touch my head before my fingers? Anyway, need to do this one at home and have Chaddy help my flatten out my back.
Pose 22 – Ustrasana / Camel Pose
My name for pose: I’m feeling vunerable
My difficulty rating: 9
My capability: 7
Just feeling a little exposed. Hopefully it’s not camel toe pose. Most people don’t like this but it doesn’t bother me much, although my knees are killing me. They are black and blue from bowling.
Pose 23 – Sasangasna / Rabbit Pose
My name for pose: This pose is just stupid
My difficulty rating: 5
My capability: 2
I don’t get this pose. My arms are not long enough to reach my ankles and lift my ass up. Once I touch my head to my knees I’m suffocating my self with my own cleavage. This is just stupid.
Pose 24 – Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana / Head to Knee Pose
My name for pose: Bend over and touch your toes
My difficulty rating: 5
My capability: 5
I need to come to yoga more. I can’t touch my toes. I used to be able to touch my toes. This is terrible. I swear I’m coming back tomorrow (if there isn’t happy hour). I should be able to do this standing up. Oh well at least it is almost over.
Pose 25 – Ardha-Matsyendrasana / Spine Twisting pose
My name for pose: Tummy Tuck (repeat)
My difficulty rating: 7
My capability: 5
I could twist farther if I could just move my stomach out of the way. Ok I’m going to have to prioritize: new carpet so I can sell the house, fantastic vacation or money for tummy tuck. This is like Sophie’s Choice!
