MSgt. Donald G. Wogomon - My dad

On this veteran’s day I want to recognize my favorite veteran.  My dad proudly spent over 25 years active duty in the United States Air Force.  He specialized in life support systems … helmets, parachutes, survival gear.  We were the only kids on the block that had our own parachute. I got my first kiss under that parachute!

The military was my dad’s life’s work and he excelled at it.  It was his religion. I love to hear from guys who served with my dad. They have the highest regards for him and some crazy stories. He was sort of forced to retire as the military downsized in the 80s.  He didn’t have the same passion after that.  I don’t think he liked being a civilian so he channeled his efforts in the VFW.

My dad was one of the smartest people I knew. He had an answer for everything. As grew older I realized he just made most them up but it sounded like the right answer to me. I’m a little like my dad that way. Ok, a lot like my dad that way!

As a kid, I didn’t understand his job and most of the time didn’t like it.  We got dragged around the world and about the time I’d make friends it was time to move again.   From the time I was born until I reached high school in Texas we lived in 7 states and 2 countries. As an adult I realized that this was actually a gift he gave to his children. I am stronger, independent, worldly and tolerant because of my exposure to different people and places. I learned to build family out of friends.

My dad spent several years in Vietnam. I’m not sure how it changed him because by the time I could recognize him as a man other than my father he was already the quite stoic. He never talked about it.

For a while we were stationed at Nellis and he was the life support guy for the Air Force Thunderbirds. I asked my dad once why they put condoms in survival kits. He told me its so if the plane gets shot down and the pilot is captured and forced to marry tribal chiefs daughter. I believed that one for years.

My dad has passed. When you look back on someone’s life its easier to paint a rosy picture. My dad was a flawed man. He was stubborn and reserved and tough and prideful. But he was also loyal and selfless. As a military man he was exceptional! I am proud to have been his daughter.

I strongly support the military although I don’t necessary support our military actions. I glad to see the way much of the country is ’supporting out troups’. However, remember this wasn’t always the case and many of the older veterans remember very different times.  Also, its just not at times of conflict that they need support or recognition.

So Happy Veteran’s day to my Dad and the other Veteran’s who have served.

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Here’s a letter my dad wrote to me when he was in Vietnam. I couldn’t find it when he died and I was broken hearted but it mysteriously appeared a few year later. Hope you can read it. Love ya, Dad

I have been trying to re-dedicate myself to my yoga practice so I can get back in shape and just generally healthier.  I’ve been slacking and I’m finding it hard to go back.   Yoga is really a form of exercise that is supposed to be practiced daily but there’s so much that gets in the way:  work, soccer, happy hour, hangovers.  Some times its just that I’m too tired or don’t feel like taking a shower that day.  Though I have been known to go to yoga and not shower – but that’s is not the norm!

Soccer although an active sport isn’t helping me much as its usually 20 minutes of real exercise and 3 hours of eating and drinking.   

I do Bikram yoga.  I was actually quite good at and in pretty decent shape.  Now, not so much.  Bikram is style of yoga developed by some guy name Bikram (I’m guessing you picked that up from the name).  It’s basically hatha yoga but he’s develop a specific series of 26 postures that are each done twice.  Because he’s a sadist, it’s done in a room heated anywhere from 90 to 1,000,000 degrees.  Most of the time I don’t mind the heat, I actually like it.   Yoga’s the only time during the winter months that I actually get warm.  My house is a meat locker. 

I do a bit of strategizing for my yoga practice.  I try to get to class early enough to find a spot farthest away from the heater and under a vent that occasionally lets in some cool air.  I also try not to end up between two hotties that are just there to flaunt their 20-something bodies.  Those times my practice becomes competitive cause I will out pose them. 

It doesn’t take much to practice.  You need a mat, a towel and some water.  I bring in a frozen bottle of water so that by the time we can have our first water break I’ve got a nice cold sip of water ready.  Apparently freezing your bottled water causes cancer but won’t the yoga counteract that?  When I forget my bottled water I panic.  Although I will say that I can actually practice a full class without taking any water, it is some kind of psychological safety net knowing its there.

I then pray that one of my favorites are teaching (Sherry or Suzann).  I don’t want one of the yoga Nazis that never turn on the air or a new teacher who’s still learning the script and must repeat it word for word even if it keeps us in Camel pose for a full 5 minutes.

Yoga is supposed to be a deep, Zen, spiritual, transcendental experience.  “Get in touch with your breath”, “Let it go”, “Focus”.  That doesn’t seem to happen so much to me.  Mine is anything but so I thought I’d share with you what goes through my head during a typical yoga class.  I should probably keep this kind of stuff to myself but why start now.

Pose 1 –Pranayama Breathing / Standing Deeping Breathing Pose

My name for pose:     Dang my shoulders hurt pose

My difficulty rating:               5

My capability:                         8

Who would’ve thought just standing here flapping my arms and breathing would be so hard.  I wonder when I’m going to end up with swine flow with all this open mouth breathing we’re doing.

Pose 2 – Ardha-Chadrasana and Pada Hastasana / Half Moon Pose and Hands to Feet

My name for pose:                  Half moon pose

My difficulty rating:               5

My capability:                         8

Not sure why she’s telling me the name in Sanskrit its not like I’m ever going to remember it.   I think this same thing every time.  Maybe I should try to remember it.  Dang I look skinny when I suck it in like that.  I hope this isn’t the pink sport bra that looks like I’ve entered a wet t-shirt contest when I start sweating.  Why don’t I ever remember to throw this one in the trash!

Ok time for the first backbend.  Backbends are my speciality!  I’d rather do every backward bending pose 4 times than any of the forwarding bending poses.  I used to be better than this I need to come to yoga more.

Pose 3 – Utkatasna  / Awkward Pose

My name for pose:                  Are my hips really that wide pose

My difficulty rating:               6

My capability:                         6

This pose is ok.  I must have a low center of gravity because I have no problem getting down low but damn my hips are filling out the entire width of the mirror.  The second part is way up on the toes and I’m trying but my legs are shaking so bad they look like a jack hammers. 

Pose 4 – Garurasana / Eagle Pose

My name for pose:                  Awkward pose

My difficulty rating:               6

My capability:                         7

This is pose they should call awkward pose.  Ok pay attention.  Which one is my left?    Look at me I’m pretty darn good at it.  I should do this at the bar.  Maybe someone will think it’s cool. 

Pose 5 – Danddayamana-Janushirasana / Standing Head to Knee

My name for pose:                  Flamingo Pose

My difficulty rating:               8

My capability:                         6

It looks like a room full of flamingos.  That little hot thing up front thinks she something.  This just isn’t my pose.  Yes, Sherry I’m trying to lock my knee!  I have strength and flexibility, only its strength only right side and flexibility on the left. 

 Pose 6 – Dandayamana-Dhanurasana / Standing Bow Pulling

My name for pose:                  Look at me pose!

My difficulty rating:               9

My capability:                         8

Ha bitches!  This is MY pose.  You’re tiny but I don’t see your leg coming over the back of your head like mine is.  Yea I’m holding it.  I could stand like this for an hour.  I wish we could do this pose 3 times.  I think I need to do this one at the bar too!

Pose 7 – Tuladandasana / Balancing Stick Pose

My name for pose:                  T’s Pose

My difficulty rating:               8

My capability:                         8

 How can you not do well on a pose named after you?  Gotta make my ‘T’ look good!

Pose 8 – Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Paschimotthanasana  / Standing Separate leg Stretching Pose

My name for pose:                  Stripper Pose

My difficulty rating:               6

My capability:                         6

Yea I saw my hips come up over my head.  But I also saw the guy up front watching my boobs as I slowly bent from the hips to grab my ankles.  Man I hope I don’t fart (again).

Pose 9 – Trikanasana / Triangle Pose

My name for pose:                  Triangle

My difficulty rating:               9

My capability:                         6

I just can’t seem to get this since I’ve been back.  My legs keep slipping apart.  BUT… I’m still standing I’m still trying and half the class has sat down, a small victory.

Pose 10 – Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana / Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose

My name for pose:                  Tummy Tuck

My difficulty rating:               5

My capability:                         4

This is not a hard pose but I hate it.  I’ve got good form going in.  I’m almost there.  Dang still can’t reach the knee I’m going to have to bend.  Ok, tucking my chin and looking at my stomach.   Aggghhhh!!!!  My stomach is huge!  I can’t suck it in I’m bent over.  I hate this pose, I hate this pose,  I hate this pose. 

Pose 11/12 – Tadasana and Padangustasana  / Tree Pose and Toe Stand

My name for pose:                  Rain Forest

My difficulty rating:               4

My capability:                         6

Well what do you have when you have a bunch of dripping trees.  You have a rain forest!  Is there anybody I want to impress today?  No, then I’ll skip toe stand today.

Pose 13 – Savasana   / Dead Body Pose

My name for pose:                  Thank god the standing is over

My difficulty rating:               1

My capability:                         10

Whew I made it through another standing series and didn’t sit down but for the love of God would you please open the vents or door, I’m dying here.

Pose 14 – Pavanamuktasana / Wind Removing Pose

My name for pose:                  Pull my knee to my shoulder pose

My difficulty rating:               3

My capability:                         9

I think you’re supposed to fart in this pose but I’m usually worried it will happen on the stripper pose.  Feels nice to stretch things out though.

Pose 15 – Sit up 

Ok I’ve sat up but I still can’t touch my toes.

Pose 16 – Bhujangasana / Cobra Pose

My name for pose:                  Cobra

My difficulty rating:               6

My capability:                         7

 Ah, I prefer to go backwards.  I wish somebody would come hold my feet down I think I can go up higher.

Pose 17 – Salabhasana / Locust Pose

My name for pose:                  The man’s pose

My difficulty rating:               9

My capability:                         3

Ok I’ve got my elbows under my stomach and my palms down but what am I supposed to do with my boobs?  Only men can do this pose well.  Mouth is down on the towel.  What the hell is that smell?  Did the cat piss on the towels in my closet again! 

Pose 18 – Poorna-Salabhasna / Full Locust Pose

My name for pose:                  Plane Pose

My difficulty rating:               8

My capability:                         6 

Wait wait wait.  I’m still getting my arms out from under my stomach and getting my boobs back into some position that doesn’t hurt.  Ok, now I’m ready.  I am up.  I have everything off the floor.  I just have big old boobs and they hang low.  It is just my belly button on the floor.  Just forget it!

Pose 19 – Dhanaurasana /Bow Pose

My name for pose:                  Bow

My difficulty rating:               8

My capability:                         8

Finally a pose I can finally do again.  I think I prefer the standing series.  This is going to make my butt look good I’ll just kick a little harder.  I like to do this one in the bathtub.

Pose 20 – Supta-Vajrasana / Fixed Firm Pose

My name for pose:                  Fixed firm

My difficulty rating:               9

My capability:                         8

Another one of my specialties.  I’m almost too flexible I could lay flat if I wanted to but you’re not supposed to but I’m glad to be back doing something I’m good at.

Pose 21 – Ardha-Kurmasana / Half Tortoise Pose

My name for pose:                  Prayer

My difficulty rating:               5

My capability:                         7

I wonder if it is my low center of gravity (aka big butt and hips) that allows me to touch my head before my fingers?  Anyway, need to do this one at home and have Chaddy help my flatten out my back.

Pose 22 – Ustrasana / Camel Pose

My name for pose:                  I’m feeling vunerable

My difficulty rating:               9

My capability:                         7

Just feeling a little exposed.  Hopefully it’s not camel toe pose.  Most people don’t like this but it doesn’t bother me much, although my knees are killing me.  They are black and blue from bowling.

Pose 23 – Sasangasna  / Rabbit Pose

My name for pose:                  This pose is just stupid

My difficulty rating:               5

My capability:                         2

I don’t get this pose.  My arms are not long enough to reach my ankles and lift my ass up.  Once I touch my head to my knees I’m suffocating my self with my own cleavage.  This is just stupid.

Pose 24 – Janushirasana with Paschimotthanasana / Head to Knee Pose

My name for pose:                  Bend over and touch your toes

My difficulty rating:               5

My capability:                         5

I need to come to yoga more.  I can’t touch my toes.  I used to be able to touch my toes.  This is terrible.  I swear I’m coming back tomorrow (if there isn’t happy hour).  I should be able to do this standing up.  Oh well at least it is almost over.

Pose 25 – Ardha-Matsyendrasana / Spine Twisting pose

My name for pose:                  Tummy Tuck (repeat)

My difficulty rating:               7

My capability:                         5

I could twist farther if I could just move my stomach out of the way.  Ok I’m going to have to prioritize:  new carpet so I can sell the house, fantastic vacation or money for tummy tuck.  This is like Sophie’s Choice!

If you’ve read my blogs (and you should) I think I’ve mentioned that I play soccer for entertainment.  If you have had the pleasure of seeing me play, you’re welcome for the entertainment!  And as much as I love the soccer it’s doubly fun because they just happen to have a little bar at the arena where we play.  And it just happens to have some very cute bartenders.  And it all happens to be reasonable priced.  And it just happens to be about 2 miles from my house.  So as it happens, I tend to spend an unreasonable amount of time up there. 

Where do we hang out after an 8am game and drink a few beers?  Arena!  Where do Patty and I go to happy hour at 10pm because that’s the earliest she can get to happy hour?  Arena! Where do we girls hang out before and after a mid-week game?  Arena.  Where do we go hang out when we don’t feel like doing anything else and we don’t even have a soccer game?  Arena.  When Chad (the son) decided to go to football game and leave me alone on a Friday night where did I end up? Arena!  And that’s when it hit me.  Once Chad graduates from high school I may end up there 7 nights a week.  It’s scared the hell out of me.  I have to get a life.  But it did make me think of poor Lola in the Copacabana song.  That’s going to be me! 

Arena Athletics (sung to Copacabana)

Her name was Tonya, she played some soccer
With a pony tail in her hair and her shorts cut up to there
She would run in circles and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to workout hard, Collin always tended bar
Almost 3 times a week, she would drink they would speak
He was young but they had each other
Who could ask for more?

At Arena, Arena Athletics
The hottest spot in the Metroplex (here)
At Arena , Arena Athletics
Soccer and passion were always the fashion
At the Arena….she fell in love

(Arena, Arena Athletics)

His name was Jak-e, he wore a headband
He also tended bar, he loved Tonya from afar
He made her vodkas, and brought them over
But the years went by fast, and good times didn’t last

And then the boys were gone but Tonya never moved on
There was a divorce and an affair
But just who left who?

The hottest spot in the Metroplex (here)
At Arena , Arena Athletics
Soccer and passion were always the fashion
At Arena….she lost her youth

Her name is Tonya, she was a play-ya
But that was 30 years ago, when she used to have some toes
They still play soccer, but not for Tonya
Still in the Jersey she used to wear, and Patty will still be sitting there
She sits there all confined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Collin
Now she’s lost her mind!

The hottest spot in the Metroplex (here)
At Arena , Arena Athletics
Soccer and passion were always the fashion
At Arena….don’t fall in love

Arena don’t fall in love
Arena Athletics
Arena Athletics

SmartLog is interpreted as follows:  (hey I’m a nerd, shut it!)

SmartLog:  yyyymmdd/tttt/mmmm/xx/st

Where: 

yyyymmdd:      Date (year/month/day)

tttt:                  Time (military)

mmmm:          Odometer miles

xx:                   Outside temperature (Farenheit)

st:                    State we are in at this time

SmartLog:  20090702/1100/2194/95°/TX

Every journey begins with….

•  2 diet pills
• 1 boiled egg
• glass of diet Hawaiian punch
• Google Maps
• a full tank of gas
• my will and last testament, fully articulated and posted on Facebook and witnessed by my 187 friends

Everything is packed and I’m ready to go.  Smart-T is cleaned and smiling with a full tank gas.  I’m heading to Bandle’s (Chad’s dad) to pick up Chad.   I had a small miscalculation on the mileage and timing.  I originally thought the trip was 10 hours but Google Maps is reporting that it is more like 17.  I’m sure they are calculating time based on posted speed limits of which Smart-T and I have no intention of following.  

 I pick Chad up and he’s packed and ready to go.  It’s plain that Bandle is not quite as excited about this road trip and we are.

Me:    Bandle, what’s the matter?

Bandle:  “You are taking my only son half way across the country in a golf cart!  Doesn’t make me feel very reassured” 

Me:   “Where’s your sense of adventure?  C’mon Chad let’s roll”

Chad acts like he’s not looking forward to this and starts complaining about how long his legs are.  I ask him if he wants to stay home with dad and he immediately says NO! The complaints magically evaporate.

Shoot almost ran into a truck leaving the neighborhood but don’t worry everything’s fine and don’t tell Bandle.

SmartLog:  20090702/1400/2389/98°/AK

We’ve made it to Arkansas!  The scenery between here and Dallas is boring but things are good because we are still getting Dallas radio stations.  Chad’s let me use his pillow so I’m sitting up high and can actually see behind me. 

As we move deeper into Arkansas, we try to listen to the radio but can’t find much on besides country music which prompts Chad to say “I hate Arkansas” and put on his headphones.

SmartLog:  20090702/1500/2468/98°/AK

Fuel Stop:  1    Friend, AK, 8 gallons, $23.23

What an auspicious place to stop for gas.  I’d like to calculate the MPG but I forgot to set the trip odometer and I’m still not sure if Smart-T holds 8 or 9 gallons.    So far she’s done terrific.  She likes being out on the open road.  We’ve just gotten the usual looks so far. 

SmartLog:  2009070/2175/2668/92°/TN

We’ve made it to Memphis!  Smart-T is still handling well.  She only caught air once but we were behind some truck with hollow tubes and it was creating a wind tunnel.  I’m sitting up high, legs propped up, admiring my 4^th of july ready toes.  I do miss having cruise control.  Will be buying that accessory before the next road trip.  Smart-T is become something of celebrity.  We are constantly waving at our fellow road warriors.  We passed a line of 18-wheelers and I could tell the one in the back is CB-ing to the guy up front.  When we get to him he’s already turned around smiling at us.  People will pass us only to have the opportunity to take a picture.

SmartLog:  2009070218342709 (odometer) 89° TN

Fuel Stop:  2    Blytheville, TN, 5 gallons, $15.20

Time to take a dinner break.  Found some kind of weird chicken place.  Left a lot to be desired.  Good thing the diet pills are still working.  Have to stop and answer all the usual questions about Smart-T.  Is it real?  Does it use gas?  Is it street legal?  Where’s the rest of it?

Chaddy and I are doing fine.  We’re each listening to our IPods so we’re not fighting over music yet.  I love my son but he cannot sing!  He gets that from me.  I have to turn up the stereo to tune him out.

SmartLog:  20090702/1929/mmmm/xx°/MO

We’ve made it to Missouri but Chaddy’s forgot to write down some the SmartLog details.  Everyone is still doing relatively ok.  Chad’s Ipod has run out of juice so we argue over every song on mine.  He doesn’t understand listening to the Bee Gees or 10,000 Maniacs.  Smart-T does not like going uphill but she excels at the down.  She also appreciates when I remember to put her into fifth gear. 

SmartLog:  20090702/2245/2894/65°/IL

We’re in Illinois.  I hate it when they don’t put a big sign of over the state line and say “Welcome to <state name here>”.  Not sure exactly what town we are in but have decided to call it a night.  The billboard says Drury in $69.99 with breakfast and free wi-fi so that’s where we turn in.  There were other options but kind of scared of staying at the $29.99 Day’s Inn or whatever it was.  When we check in the clerk tell us the room rate is $89.99 but she’ll give us the manager special of $69.99 for tonight.  Huh?  Whatever I’m too tired to argue.  We made sure and parked Smart-T upfront under a big light because I didn’t want her to get scared being all alone in a strange place.

All in all it has gone really well.  The last couple of hours were the best.  Chaddy has my soul.  Both Chad and I love driving a night listening to the music.  Being in the country it was really dark and little to no traffic so we can see the stars and it is a beautiful full moon.  The moon is so bright that I saw something blinking on the floor and I though his Ipod came back to life.  It was the just the moonlight filtering through the trees.   I could drive more but don’t want to take any unnecessary risks with Chad.  We talk about driving home all night on the way back. 

We did have one weird incident where we must have hit a swarm of mosquitoes or something.  We’re driving a long happy as can be one minute and the next we are getting attacked and bitten by a horde of insects.  We’re swatting at them like craze people.  How 18 million mosquitoes can get into a sealed and locked vehicle going 70 mph will always remain one of life’s mysteries to me. 

SmartLog:  20090703/0700/2894/72°/IL

Fuel Stop:  3    Mt. Vernon, IL, 7.6 gallons, $20.56

Going to make this an early start.  We pack up and stop a Denny’s for a quick bite to eat. Check on Smart-T and fill her up and we’re on the highway again.   We should only have about 4 more hours according to my internal compass.

SmartLog:  20090703/0922/3000/58°/IL

Smart-T logs 3000 miles!  {{honking the horn}}  Just inside IL at mile marker 200.  I’m so proud of her!

Teach Chad about mile markers and explain to him that while on a road trip if you pass a truck full of cattle that it is a law that you roll down all the windows and moo at them as loud as you can until pass, which I do and he just covers his head with his pillow.

SmartLog:  20090703/3254/1330/75°/IN

Fuel Stop:  4    Concord, IN, 7.7 gallons, $21.43

We’re almost there.  Just miles from Gram’s house but we need to fuel.  The last couple hours have been a pain the ass.  I’m cranky (more than usual).  Google send us to close to Chicago with everyone in the city trying to get out and construction all over place there is a 45 lane traffic jam.  Then stupid Google Maps have sent us through half of northern Indiana trying to avoid the toll roads.  We went through Gary and Hammond.  I probably saw Michael Jackson’s house but I was to busy swearing up a blue streak that I didn’t notice.  (sorry Tammy).   If I had known that was it was doing I would have just taken the toll roads and been here hours earlier. 

And what the hell is up with Indiana roads.  I finally get on a smoothly paved toll road and almost calm down because Smart-T is feeling better.  She really like the roads that are black (not sure what they are made of).  She skims them like water over glass.   However, some idiot decided to put speed bumps in the middle of the highway which mean about every quarter mile or so we take a hit.  By the time we get off on a local state road I have a headache and my teeth are rattling in my head.  Somebody tried to explain they are not speed bumps it’s the seams that rise up due to weather.  Is nobody smart enough to take that into consideration when deciding on the road building materials?  Smart-T didn’t like it and I didn’t either!

The only good thing was watching this punk kid which was doing 40 until I caught up with him then pass me at 100 mph get pulled over by the cop who would’ve got me and Smart-T if the dumb ass hadn’t passed us!

Smart-T is tired and covered with bugs.  She wants a shower (aka car wash) before she meets Grandma because she wants to make a good first impression but I’m simply too tired to accommodate her. 

SmartLog:  20090703/3259/1330/75°/IN

Destination achieved… to Grandmother’s house we are!  And except for the last couple of hours it was not a bad trip.  I

Vacation Diary

Had a great visit with my family.  Kerry, my cuz-in-law, (is that a term?  if not I made it up and you have to pay me royalties if you use it) made Deb and I a couple of bonfires so we could sit outside, freeze our butts off, get devoured by mosquitoes, gossip and drink our wine.   He even let me use his GPS and programmed it to his address so I could get back to his house in case I got lost.  He then promptly proceeded to ignore the GPS directions and forced me into a game of chicken with two Amish buggies.  Smart-T was not backing down to something with only 1 horse power!  No way!  We won that one.  And if the horse comes up lame and the buggy busted an axel that’s what they get for laughing.  Thanks, Kerry.

Chaddy and I made a trip up to see the Beth and Julie, the girls we met on the cruise.  I love my family be we don’t share ideologies.  It was nice to be among my fellow liberals if even for an evening.  They and their family were so lovely to us, we thought about just moving in.  There seemed plenty of room.  However, the fact that it was 60 degrees in July soon brought me to my senses. 

Chaddy, who listened to the complete Michael Jackson collection on the drive, was enthralled with the funeral coverage.  I asked him if he wanted to go grab a bite with me and he said only if we get back for the funeral. 

We got to spend some time with my Grandmother who is a beautiful 89 years old.  And if her health is not what it used to be, her wit and her intelligence is as sharp as ever.  I like to think what little I get I get it from her.  She enjoyed day tripping with Smart-T.  She wants one in red.  It’s interesting to listen to her stories.  It explains a lot about my family.  Of course, part of me was thinking was if that ship had gone down when our great-great-great (don’t know the precise number of greats) came over, it might have saved a whole lot of people a whole lot of grief.

But alas, all good things must come to and end so we had to say our goodbyes and head home.  For all my friends/family that live between Indiana and Texas – Sorry!  I had to get back to work.  It wasn’t anything personal. 

Contrary to our original plan Chaddy and I decided to get up early and head back to Texas. 

SmartLog:  20090708/0703/3596/56°/IN

Did you notice the temperature reading?  They didn’t tell me I needed to bring a freaking parka to Indiana in the middle of summer.  Did the Arctic Circle drop to include the northern U.S.?  Our kisses kissed and our goodbyes said we’re heading home.

There is no way I’m going back on that toll road or near Chicago.  I’m driving county and state roads until I get to Illinois.  It was a beautiful drive with the farms and fields and barns and morning dew.  It added some time to the overall trip but the peace of mind was better for both me and Smart-T.

My little party son who loves to stay up late and hang with the adults promptly fluffs his pillow and goes to sleep. 

SmartLog:  20090708/1120/3873/79°/IN

Fuel Stop:  1    Don’t remember, IN, 7.79 gallons, $20.80

May have cut this fuel stop a little close.  The gauge said I was down to .1 of a gallon and there’s not a gas station on every corner out in the heartland.  Chaddy wakes up and pumps gas for me.  This has become his job for the trip.  He also cleans the windshield and tries the get the bugs on Smart-T’s grill.  She doesn’t like them.

We off and running again and he goes right back to sleep.

SmartLog:  20090708/1319/4000/88°/IL

Another mileage milestone!  Smart-T made 4000 miles.  Honking the horn wakes up Chad.  He looks and me bleary eyed and says “What?”  Smart-T just hit 4000 miles aren’t you excited.  I get the exasperated “Mom!”  and he goes back to sleep.  That’s ok I like the drive and my Ipod still has plenty of juice.

SmartLog:  20090708/1545/4175/°/MO

Fuel Stop:  2  Oceola, MO, 7.9 gallons $21.65

Not much interesting has happening.  Chad pumps and goes back to sleep.

My legs and butt have been so sore that at one point I put my right leg over the console and drove with my left.  I prayed I wouldn’t need my lightening quick reflexes.  I’ve long since run out of Ipod juice and have resorted to scanning the radio.  We’ve been driving for what seems like days and I’m getting tired.  My hand hurts from waving and my cheeks hurt from smiling for all the pictures.    I missed a Smart-T log but last fuel stop was somewhere in Arkansas.

SmartLog:  20090708/2004/4451/°/TX

We’ve finally made it to Texas.  There’s no place like home.  We agree to stop for bite in Texarkana.   Chad has pretty much had enough of this road trip.  I don’t know why it was so hard for him since he’s slept for the past 11 hours.  I asked, “Didn’t you at least think it was a neat experience.”   He said, “ I’d rather fly.”   I said, “Didn’t you get anything good out of it.”  He said, “yea caught up on my sleep”.

SmartLog:  20090708/2011/4458/°/TX

Fuel Stop:  4   Texarkana, TX, 7.65 gallons $19.67

I need a break so gas and food.  We both are craving vegetables or Mexican food.  It seems all we’ve had is meat and potatoes the last week.  All we find is a Church’s chicken so we settle for that.  We don’t linger long.  We both tired but home is so close we can almost taste it.

SmartLog:  20090708/2200/mmmm/°/TX

We first see the lights of downtown and the distinctive reunion tower which prompts Chad to exclaim:  “I’ll never leave the city”.  We take 35N from I-30 and prepare to sprint to the finish.  Some schmuck driving a beat up white van is in the far left lane doing 45.  I’m cussing him and planned to flip him off as I pass, after I check and make sure he’s not carrying a gun.  Chad leans in and looks at him and sighs softly “aaaahhhhh Mexicans!”

SmartLog:  20090708/2315/mmmm/°/TX

We are home.  Smart-T is stored in her stable much tired but not too much worse for wear.  I tried to get Chad to caress her and tell her good girl but he just blatantly refused.  We take in only the necessities and head straight to bed.  “Night, mom”  “Night, Chad, see you in the morning”

It is probably bad form and a bad idea to write/publish anything after you’ve had a full day of sun and cocktails.  But…….Today was a good day.  A very good day.   Soccer, breakfast burritos (I didn’t have to cook), beer, mimosas and laying out at the pool all before 10:30.  How could it not be a good day?!?  I spent quality time with my favorite (although sadly not best) soccer team.  An afternoon of  UFC (it was the company not the event)  and a nice nap, it was time to get ready to see Keyshia Cole.

 This was sort of a make up present for my baby sister.  We had fussed over the last couple of months so this was my version of a peace offering.   We play cool and casual for the evening attire and leave my house in the capable hands of 4 teenage boys.  Please note the sarcasm.   A small pit stop for a bite to eat and we are off to the concert. 

 As much as I love my friends, this is why you love your family more.  Tammy says, “I love you car!  I feel famous because everyone is looking at us!”.  Most everyone else makes jokes or tries to slink down in the seat to avoid being seen. 

We arrive in Smart-T style, get a little drinky poo and take our seats.  I think that every human being should be required to attend an event where they are the minority.  It’s a fascinating perspective.  I personally love it.  Within my own socio-economic strata I’m so ordinary as to be non-existent.  To be the expectation:   white girl, short girl, rich girl, American girl, straight girl, cougar, virgin… makes it so much more exciting. 

We are only a couple of minutes late but walk in on one of my favorite songs…  “When I get up all in ya, We can hear the angels calling us…. Wee ooh wee ooh wee”.  I’d like to pretend I was really hip and cool and know exactly who this was but I cheated and googled.  Then we got to see The Game.  I only know two songs one of which I like.  What I Didn’t like was watching him perform some self pleasuring bump and grind on the stage.  Yuk!  I was offended and I’ve got the dirtiest mind ever.  OK I don’t really have a dirty mind I just have quick tongue.  Ok that doesn’t sound right either but I’m quick to respond… aggh whatever.  You know what I mean.  My sister chastises me with “that’s a black concert for you”.  Tammy tells me that’s what goes on at a black concert.  Since this is only her second concert ever I’m not sure how she knows.  My sister is black but you can get all those details in another blog.

Finally, here comes Keyshia.  I have to say this girl impresses me more and more.  She starts her concert by apologizing and saying ladies there’s not going to be any stage grinding, no using of the ‘n’ word, and no calling woman the ‘b’ word.  I love her!

If that’s wasn’t enough the girl can sing!  Ladies if you ever want to hear someone who can articulate a heartbreak, its Keyshia Cole.  “I Remember” has got me through the only two times I’ve truly been heartbroken.  Pathetically, they were with the same person so I’m a loser but don’t blame that on Keyshia.  I think every girl and woman should have to memorize her albums.  From “Love” to “Let it go!” there’s something there for everyone.

Once Tammy got her crying under control, she belted out every song as if she was on stage.  “I love Keyshia Cole!” she says to me.  “I would be a lesbian for her.”  Truly no higher praise.

Tam and I don’t sit down at all.  I want to go dancing next weekend now.  Keyshia takes a small break and the back up singers come out and do a number.  The first girl is a beautiful Asian woman (did I get my adjective correct Pete?)  who does Patti LaBelle like there’s no tomorrow.  I’m dancing and singing along and then I realize I’m the only one dancing and singing along.  Not sure if I’m uncool because I’m white or 40 but I take a seat and chair dance for the rest of the song.  The other singer does another song which I frankly think doesn’t compete and the entire place erupts.  There is no accounting for taste obviously. 

What made me enjoy the concert most was watching my sister truly enjoying herself.  She claims this is only her second concert (I took her and the boys to Bow Wow) but she appeared to be completely enamored with the event.  I know she thinks the tickets were the gift but real gift was watching her shine with joy.  I’m lucky I’ve been granted the wherewithal to do these kind of things. 

We bought her one of the backstage looking passes and she came in the house singing to the boys.  (Thank god the house was still standing and so far I’ve not found any thing broken.)  She’s convinced 4 naïve teenagers that she got backstage to see Keyshia Cole.

 Kids:   “Why don’t you have any pictures?”

 Tammy:   “Because they wouldn’t let me take my camera back stage.”

 Kids:  “Why don’t you have an autograph?” 

 Tammy”  “I told you because we couldn’t take anything back stage.  Look, your aunt bought me a  lottery ticket and I got to go back stage.  Look right here this is where Keyshia kissed me.  In fact, when she call me to go on tour with her I’m leaving all of your bad asses!” 

 Kids:  “Nut uh, she’s not going to call you” 

 Tammy:  “Yes she is she has my phone number.” 

 Kids:  “Thought you had to leave anything” 

 Tammy  “Whatever, I’m going on tour with Keyshia.  In fact, I’m going to be a lesbian.  Keyshia is going to be your stepmom” 

 Kids:  “Nut uh, what about Dayday.  Ya’ll are getting married”. 

 Tammy:  “If Keyshia Cole calls me I am leaving his black ass and I’m going to marry her!”

 I love my sister!  It was a very good day.

p.s.  I even started my book today!

Get Smart!

Today is the day!  I fell in love nearly 10 years ago and it has finally come to fruition.  I committed on December 31, 2007 and now 1 year, 4 months and 6 days later, I get to pick up my SmartCar!  I first saw SmartCars on a trip to Rome with Daisy.  I was as fascinated by these cute adorable little cars as I was by the Trevi Fountain.   Daisy got sick of hearing “oooh oooh look, there’s another one”.   I came back and researched them and found that you couldn’t get them in the states.   But as I’ve stated before my loves run long and deep (not always a good thing) and I’ve continued to love them and monitor their status here.

This will be the best thing that’s happen to me this year.  I’ve sort of bought my specific model site unseen (just web configuration) and haven’t even drove it.   It’ss going to be an expensive uh-oh if I’m wrong.   I tend to get these obsessions then once I have it the thrill is gone.   That sort of happens to my relationships too but that’s a different blog entirely.   I’m 99% confident I’m going to be complete happy with this decision.

I’ve taken my fair share of ribbing (and ridicule) about my car choice.   How many hamsters does it take? How tight do you have to wind the rubber band? Where do you plug it in?   Is it a Christmas ornament?   Does it come with a carry case?   You got a Radio Flyer in Blue?   I’ve threatened anyone who’s made fun of it that they are not going to be able to ride in.   They’ll just have to walk beside it.   They say, ‘that’s ok I can probably walk faster!’   Whatever! They are all just haters!

After pondering all the possibilities,  I’ve decided to name the he/she (not sure which yet) Smart-T (pronounced Smartie not Smartt).   I’ll have to drive Smart-T for a bit to determine if the sex.

Smart-T and I are going to have a wonderful life.   In fact I have a plan.   After the disaster of my last vacation I don’t really want to leave the country anytime soon.   There a ton of this great land I haven’t seen yet, its cheaper to travel locally and local spending supports the economy. So, Smart-T and I  are going to travel the states.   “Here’s Smart-T at the Grand Canyon”, “Here’s Smart-T at Roswell” , “Here’s Smart-T at Graceland” ,   “Here’s Smart-T in New Orleans meeting Grandpa Elliott” (go to www.playingforchange.com to find out who he is) “Here’s Smart-T on Route 66”.

Then I’m going to write a book about my travels:   Smart-T and Me.   Then its going to turn into a movie where I will be played by Angelina Jolie (which will be my only chance is this life to look like her) and Matthew McConaughey, Mario Lopez, Sawyer (Lost), McSteamy (Grey’s Anatomay) and/or Hugh Jackman will play the roles of the various men I will have trysts with along then way, eventually marrying Hugh Grant (the non-hooker loving Hugh Grant).   This aligns with the 2009 life goals.   Then I will get semi-famous and they will recruit me for Dancing with the Stars where the audience will be awed by the skill, precision and natural talent of someone my age.   Oh and I will take the championship.

I haven’t figured out if I’m going to have to do this on the weekends, holidays and vacations.  Or,  if I should fully commit and quit my job and back up and go. There’s certain financial issues with this strategy. Or, if I just wait until I get laid off which is probably imminent.   Its going to be a bit of tight squeeze when I get laid off and Chad and I have to live in the Smart-T.   Probably not a good choice for the homeless.

Well, I’m off to get the “Welcome Home” banner for Smart-T and then off to dealer to get the car.

UPDATE

After two and half hours I finally got to take Smart-T home. We only had to: 1) call India 5 times to get the insurance verifications.  India call centers suck (I like Indian people). 2) Call credit card company to let the charges through.   I have a huge credit limit but apparently can only charge $2500 per day. NOTE TO SELF: re- activate AMEX account.   3) Get hit on by nerdy financial guy who nearly forgot to ask for any down payment.   ANOTHER NOTE TO SELF:   If they don’t offer,  don’t ask.   He did say that I looked really cute in my car, which, of course, is the complete truth.

So far, I completely love Smart-T.   She (I’ve learned she’s a she) is precious and anxious to please.   The only part I can’t figure out is how to make her move.   She’s some weird combination of automatic and manual and I can’t quite figure it out. L ook, I know how to drive standard, but Smart-T has no clutch.   There’s these little wingy things on the steering wheel and you can push some buttons and blah blah blah.   I need to read the book.   But driving home from soccer tonight with the top down, a nice breeze and some Al Green was nearly nirvana.

Let the adventures begin!!!!

p.s. (not that you’re an after thought)

Thank you Patty for ride to Dallas you’re a gem.

Day 14 – At sea

Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 2 Interest: 0
Partying: 2

This is the worst sea day of all. At this point I’m ready to be home. I’m missing Chaddy something fierce. I’m actually tired of eating 5 times and day, napping twice a day. As much as I love her, 14 days of constant togetherness is starting to wear thin. I can confidently say she feels exactly the same.

We do our game of torture bingo and pack. Packing feels like we are closer to being home. Our limited shopping opportunities has an upside as I manage to get everything back into the 2 suitcases I brought.

Will kill time napping and giving NCL more of money via the slot machines. Daisy and I do appetizers in the tapas bar when they walk in. Wow there’s more. We notice them, they notice us and we feel a magnetic attraction. More people under 50! And if this isnt’ glory enough, she’s got a bowl of tortilla chips. OMG I’m craving Mexican food so bad. A great excuse to start conversation. We get our own bowl of chips and even some Pace picante!

This is Courtney and Ashley from Canada (more people with fascinating lives) and they are doing a 1 year around the world trip. I hate them as much as I love them. They ask Daisy if we are married. Meaning to each other!

We are so excited by them that we invite them to join us with our BFFs. I feel a twinge of regret since they had just canceled with their ‘other’ friends to enjoy the last evening with us. But they liked seeing young people to so it worked out well.

What I learned today:
• 14 day cruise is too long
• I may just have to go gay.

Day 15 – Valpraiso, Vino del Mar, Santiago – Going home

The day hasn’t started well and though we didn’t know it at the time it wasn’t going to end well either. We thought we had booked the 8 hour city and wine tasting tour. The girls had done the same. We find out we had booked a different tour so that forced us to leave the girls early. This is the first in a series of unfortunate events.

We tour Valpraiso and Vino del Mar which is essentially like Marina del Rey. Not much different than the MVD tour but the guide is at least articulate and knowledgeable. They tell us we’re having salmon for lunch so I’m glad I decided to take the Chinese diet pills.

Lunch includes a wine and some Pisco Sour. Since Daisy doesn’t drink I’m planning to get hers. Today she decidies to thwart me and gets white wine. How rude!

There’s nothing particularly exciting about Santiago. Big city, lots of people, smog. Not sure we gave completely fair shake because we were just ready to get home. Daisy and I did attend Easter mass service at the cathedral in the main square but not even that act of contrition made thing any better.

They drop us off at the airport and the next incident occurs. We can’t find one of Daisy’s suitcase. And has normal for this cruise line, everyone seems clueless and their attitude is lackadaisical. We’re leaving Santiago airport not knowing if it will ever show up. I’m going to believe that it is. It contains her wedding ring. I’m sitting here waiting for people to sit down so we can close the doors and take off.

Here’s a summary of some of my insights for this trip

What I learned:
• A two week cruise is too long unless our 80 or 18 and in the Navy.
• Big cities everywhere are like big cities everywhere.
• Old people are a pain.
• Chile was the best country we visited but would only return to the far south region of Patagonia.
• Avoid NCL cruiseline. They are rude and not good value for the money (except for us because we only paid $500). They will also lose your luggage. Entertainment was lame and juvenile.
• My best investment was the Amazon Kindle. Finished 5 books and it took up no room. I’m going to spend so much money ordering books.
• I will not take another trip this long again without taking Chad.
• Riding in first class is WAY better than riding in coach.
• Glaciers are amazing.
• We love Julie and Beth and their boys even though we’ve yet to meet them. We’ll miss them but plan to visit in the fall.

THE END (or so I thought)

Blog update 9:15

Finally some useful information! Told we’re leaving at 9pm today. Thank you Pat. I’m done blogging.

Day 10 – At sea
Drinking: 9 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 5 Interest: 0
Partying: 2

Bummer another day at sea. We wake late. What’s the point? No place to go and nothing to do until bingo at 11. We have breakfast, play bingo, then eat lunch. We go to lunch a little cheered as Daisy won a whopping $75. We’ve probably spent 4 times that much so far. After bingo it’s the usual, nap, read, update my travel diary.

Tonight we are having dinner with the couples we met on the first day. Have I mentioned that this if the first night I can get Daisy to drink. I wear the wig tonight because I’m bored. I need to figure out how to make the darn thing stick because it comes off at dinner. We pass it around the table and it makes the older women look significantly younger. Note to older self: use wigs.

We go from dinner straight to the sports bar which has become a sanctuary where we promptly order fries and wings. We just finished a 3 course meal. We’ve not done a single lap around the ship today. Its not looking good for the weight avoidance strategy. The Chinese diet pills are not working.

I have another drink. Can I tell you how much fun it is drinking alone. Actually drinking alone is fun, drinking by yourself with others looking at you with that face is real joy. The bar staff said leave me alone she’s on vacation. They also got Up Dog! I like the sports bar. They’re only problem is they didn’t show any sports. ESPN stopped working once we got into Chilean waters. Never got a valid explanation why.

What I learned today:
• Not much
• The second slot machine on the port side two machines in hits pretty consistently. I finally won something.

Day 11 – At sea

Drinking: 9 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 5 Interest: 0
Partying: 2

I don’t remember how it exactly came up but at some point Daisy and I got into a discussion about who could run faster and decided the only way to settle it was to have race around the ship. We are both obviously the standards of physical beauty and agility so I’m not sure why we have to prove anything but she’s so damn competitive she won’t back down.

I wake early (9:30) and mostly hang over free. I have a headache but I think its early warning I’m about to have an aneurism. I jump in shower to shave my legs telling Daisy its in preparation for our massages later in the day but its really because I want to increase my speed and cut down on any friction. I don’t need anything that’s going to slow me up. I go to breakfast and instead of the breakfast of champions I have raisin bran. I just can’t seem to get regular on this trip.

I take a warm up lap to chart my strategy and go back up stairs to wait for Daisy. She thinks she’s going to psych me out with her White Rock lake 10K t-shirt, but I ain’t skeerd. Somehow everyone on the boat knows we’re about the race but there’s no one there to see us off until Julie shows up and takes pictures for posterity. This is where we should have just called it off. We must do 3 laps (about a mile) and then be the first person back to the sports bar however you get there.

Naturally, I am the early leading and except for a pit stop to tie my shoes, Daisy only ever sees my behind. Even with that I can still hear her behind me talking smack. Well at least for the first lap.

After the first lap its apparent we are too old and out of shape, especially to sprint a mile. I’m running with tears streaming down my face and snot flying out my nose. Stupid old people keep getting into the jogging path creating unnecessary obstacles.

I finish my 3 laps far ahead of Daisy and cut through the casino to get to sports bar. The sports bar is on deck 11. We are racing on deck 6. Somehow Daisy is at the stairs the same time I am. How the hell did she do that? I make a final push and fly up the stairs as fast as I can. Thankfully she’s slowed to walk after two flights so I can slow down. I’m about to pass out. I cross into the sports bar first! I am the winner! I am the fastest most beautiful racer on earth or at least in southern hemisphere. Daisy will have to admit I am physically superior. She doesn’t.

Then it hits me. I can’t breathe. I feel like there’s an anvil on my chest. I can’t seem to suck in a lung full of air. I can’t decide if passing out or throwing up will make me feel better.

The our winery friends offer to by a bottle of wine for the victor. We’ll be having red if my lungs don’t collapse, my heart gives out and my brain aneurism goes off. We reward ourselves with a spa service. There’s nothing like having someone rub on you while the boat gently rocks you to sleep.

Oh, we also passed the Magellan straights and they were very beautiful.

What I learned today:
• As much I would like to believe otherwise, I cannot sprint a mile.
• Shaving your legs before getting a ginger lime scrub is not a good idea.

Day 12 – Chacabuco, Chile
Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 3 Interest: 10
Partying: 3

The one thing Daisy did not want to do on this trip was horseback riding. So what did we do today, a horseback ride. Our new BFFs tell Daisy they are going and invite us and Daisy readily agrees. Beth and Julie can do in two days that I couldn’t as her BFF for 15 years. Thanks guys, I think.

This excursion has only 7 members which is nice for a change. It was only a 30 minute drive to the farm but we had to suffer the entire time listening to some pompous ass talk not non-stop about fly fishing. Yawn. The property is gorgeous. I’m running out of adjectives to explain the beauty of the things we see.

They began the process of assigning us our valiant steeds with only a couple of issues. Two of the mares had foals. Daisy was assigned one of those. That foal was like a rambunctious teenager. It loved to come over and pester my horse. The foal got caught in my reins causing my horse to rear up. I thought I was going to make my acquaintance with the turf but somehow managed to stay in my saddle and get my reins. I think I’m now ready for pro rodeo circuit.

One old man (did I tell you I’ve had enough of old people) talked about his riding experience so he got the other mare with a foal that was only about 3 – 4 weeks old. In the process of getting things organized, this mother and foal got separated and the foal got into it with a cow. This caused the baby to cry, the cows to bellow, the dogs to bark and the mom to go a bit crazy. Actually felt sorry for the guy. He turned all kinds of shades of white. They had to get him a different horse.

The ride was through some amazing countryside. It looked like something out of Lord of the Rings. We forded several streams and came to one that was actually quite deep. I was proud of Daisy. This is not her favorite past time and she managed to stay her seat the entire time even when her horse decided to cross the deepest part of the deepest stream.

The most memorable event of the day occurred in the last 10 minutes of the ride. Most of it had already made it back to the stables. Julie and her horse kept to a slow and steady pace, very slow and steady. However, once her horse sighted the barn it took off at a full gallop with Julie hanging on for dear life, laughing hysterically the entire way. Her horse gets to the barn and stops at the fence. Julie thinks it because she finally figured out when to use the reins but I think its because the horse knew it was home.

I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself. Her horse even made a jump and she managed to stay on. She got of laughing with tears in her eyes. I’m not sure if they were tears of joy (to be alive), tears for fears or tears of hilarity. I glance over at the trail boss guys and they are both doing their best not to laugh but it was too irresistible.

My only true regret is that I did not have my camera set to video. There’s no way I would I’d not take the top prize on America’s Funniest Videos. I’d be $100K richer. Don’t worry girls I would have sent $500 to each of the boys for their college fund.

We ask the girls where we were having dinner this evening. They sort of look at each other kind of sheepishly and tell us they have other plans with some other couples. What! Daisy and I have to go to dinner by ourselves. We already had enough of each other. We mope back to our room since we have nothing to do now. We have dinner in the same dining room as the girls and their ‘other’ friends staring at them longingly from afar.

What I learned today:
• Julie is a superior horsewoman.
• Friends can be fickle.

Day 13 – Puerto Montt, Chile
Drinking: 3 Shopping: 5
Gambling: 0 Interest: 10
Partying: 3

Back to back port days. I’m ashamed to admit but I’m glad there’s only two more days on ship. The only excursion that Daisy was insistent on was white water rafting. This is slightly strange since she can’t really swim. Our BFFs have also booked this excursion so we’ve got another day together. We’ve forgiven them for cheating on us.

This was the excursion I least looked forward to. Not because of the rafting but because of the weather. Except for our brief cab ride in Buenos Aires, we’ve seen little if any sun. Its been downright cold. Docking in Puerto Montt, the weather doesn’t look much better. Its foggy and misty. My excitement level has not increased at all.

We board the bus (in jackets) and it takes us on our hour and half ride to the river. This area is fantastic. Chile is the most beautiful country we visited. We follow the edge of a lake crowned by snow capped volcanoes.

The fog has been slowly dissipating and by the time we arrive at the put in point it has turned into a glorious sunny day. This is excellent but I’m thinking we are going into glacier run off so its still going to be cold. The guide tells us the river is fed by a lake so not as cold. However, we are donning wet suits so I’m not sure his version of cold and mine are the same. Watching 15 women of various shapes, sizes, ages and levels of discretion try to put on wet suits in a 5 x 5 tent was very amusing.

Suited up and assigned our guide, we had our safety briefing (grab the rope, don’t drop the road) and finally put in. The water was actually lovely, cool but not cold. We even took a dip in the river. Either I’m going to have to go on diet or Daisy needs to start working out because she couldn’t pull my fat ass into the boat after this. The rafting was a blast and we had a boat full of great people. The day was glorious.

We did quite well for a bunch of inexperienced rafters, Daisy never fell in, Julie only bloodied Beth’s lip unintentionally. Sadly, we came in second place in the great white water raft race.

We had a celebratory or consolatory dinner with our boat mates. Its always so interesting meeting new people. What I don’t like is they all seem to have more fabulous and interesting lives than mine. Zola was the only other single girl I met. Wasn’t looking good for us on ship of old people, married people or gay men.

What I learned today:
• This is the area of South America I will actually come back to.
• The area was settled by Germans and retain much of the German culture.
• Daisy is quite brave.

Day 5 – At sea.
Drinking: 1 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 3 Interest: .5
Partying: 3

Slept in late today. Well, we did stay out past 10 last night. Another lazy (aka boring) day. Ran into the girls from the winery and scheduled dinner with them this evening. We asked what they did in port yesterday and they did some type of fossil trek. I told them they should have saved their money. They see that on the boat everyday.

Look I don’t dislike old people (at least until we cruised with them). I even plan to be one day far, far, far into the future. Most of these are on extended holidays of 3, 4, 5 and 6 month cruises. I know they’ve worked hard and saved money. But they are also collecting from a system (social security) in amounts that they could not have paid into. Even my granny says it’s the best investment she ever made. I’ve been paying into the system since I was 14. The chances that I’ll get to draw at 62 are quickly diminishing. With our current economy, I’ll be lucky to retire before I’m 80 and then I’m not sure I’ll have funds to take 6 month cruises.

Sea days are sssllloooowww. Time is killed by moving from one feeding trough to another with naps or reading in between. We avoid most ship activities except bingo because they are LAME. Bingo isn’t much better but there is at least a chance to win money. Sea days are probably the reason most people jump. After every bingo session, they’ve had to talk me off the rails.

Dinner is great with Julie and Beth who we are now our BFFs.

What I learned today:
• Avoid buffet line at peak feeding times.
• Simon is wrong about cruise ship entertainment. Anything I’ve seen on American Idol including William Hung is better than everything I’ve seen on ship.

Day 6 – Falkland Islands

Drinking: 8 Shopping: 4
Gambling: 7 Interest: 7
Partying: 7

We’ve made it to the Falklands. I love port days! We’ve decided not to do an excursion today. A brief aside on excursions. Simply, they are a rip off. They are slow, often late, cut short and expensive. However, they are also no-brainers. No thinking. No planning. No bargaining. Charged right to your room. Next time we would do our own though it will be a long time before I do another cruise.

Sorry back to the Falkland Islands….

We take tender to the pier and hike up to the small village. As we walk down the lane, I think somehow the boast must have got lost during the evening and traveled 1000s of miles to England overnight. We are walking through a traditional English village, complete with mist and fog. Its truly hard to believe that you are in South America. I love it here. There’s not much to do but I would have loved to stay the night and hang out at the pub and talk to the locals about their life here.

We found a little pub and had traditional English fish and chips. It was one of the best meals I’ve had so far. It was as good as anything you’d get in the U.K. We met a couple from Oklahoma. Retirees, surprise, surprise. They were super nice and invited us to dinner and to view glaciers from their room.

This is the first place we’ve been able to do any shopping. So far none of the excursions have left anytime for shopping. Here’s my shopping achievements in the Falklands: 1 – t-shirt, 1 – wine cork, 2 – bags of chips, 2 – cans of coke (they cost $1.75 on ship) and 1 – bottle of water. Not sure why I bought the wine cork, I’ve never had a bottle of wine last long enough be corked. It’s the cute penguin at the top.

Daisy and I have dinner reservations but we are rocking pretty good today and she’s not feeling so great so its dinner for 1 tonight. I run into our BFF Beth on the way out and we head to the casino. We chat up one of the casino guys with great eyelashes. He also has 6 kids by 6 women and just heard that day that he may have another on the way by yet another. I hope he’s a male emperor penguin in his next life.

What I learned today:
• Spanish is illegal in Falkland Islands.
• Its only 600 miles from Antarctica.
• Argentina left land mines during their invasion that still exist. Penguins are too light to set them off but there is the occasional leg of lamb! Hahahah I crack myself up.
• The Falklands are knows as the Malvinas to Argentineans

Day 7 – At sea / Cape Horn

Drinking: 3 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 1 Interest: 2
Partying: 0

Have I mentioned I’m not fond of sea days. The monotony is only broken by the torture that is ship style bingo.

Since these days are slow there’s not much to talk about. Let me used this time to tell you a little bit about our cabin. And more specifically the bathroom. We have an inside cabin forward. If you went through our walls you’d practically be in the water. We get to hear them drop anchor link by link.

When I said our cabin has the basic necessities this applies to the bathroom as well: toilet, mirror, towel, water, light, door. The toilet does not have a powerful flushing mechanism. I’ve gotten used to seeing daisy’s pee in the toilet before I pee. The shower is a torture chamber. No matter what temperature I set it for from luke warm to steaming hot, it does this thing where it starts at the temperature I set then switches to boiling. My showers are all punctuated by my screams.

The bathroom and shower get so hot that the first thing I do is sit down as I usually feel like I’m going to faint. I come out of the shower sweating needing another shower. The other challenge is the blow dryer. It is really just a leaf blower attached to the wall and produces essentially the same results.

The girls have invited us to their room to go around the Cape. They have balcony! They’ve got wine, cheese, bread, fruit, nuts. They now OFFICIALLY our BFFs. I’m still not sure what series of rocks was officially the cape but it doesn’t matter. We had good food, good drink, a good view and great company.

What I learned today:
• Its official. I don’t like old people. They are like teenagers, rude, mean and selfish.
• One should not shower in rough seas (have bruises to prove it).
• Video poker is just a slower way to lose your money.
• Cape Horn is the big rock with the light house and flag on it. Apparently, I missed it.

Day 8 – Ushuiaia, Argentina

Drinking: 0 Shopping: 0
Gambling: 0 Interest: 0
Partying: 0

Thank God for port days. We arrive before dawn and the first view of the town is breathtaking. It’s a small village nestled at the foot of magnificent snow capped mountains. The caps just glow in the pre-dawn light.

We’ve booked another tour which has us on a catamaran cruising the Beagle channel. The scenery is stunning. Neither words nor pictures can capture the beauty. The driver, I mean captain, takes us to a small series islands teeming with wildlife, cormorants, sea lines, seals, sea ducks, albatross. Its amazing to watch the seals swim and jump out of the water next to the boat.

The second half of the tour is by bus through Tierra del Fuego national forest. Again, breathtakingly beautiful. I get to send Chaddy a post card from the southern most post office in the world. The post master was quite a character. I wish I had taken a picture but the post shack was about 4 x 6 and it was wall to wall people (mean old people). Coming out of the post shack, Daisy points out a beautiful red fox native to the area that’s come out of the forest.

Today we depart at 2pm hours earlier than any other port. This is the one of the few places we actually want to spend more time at. As with the other tours they give us no time to shop. This is getting quite annoying. My souvenir list currently consists of one t-shirt and one wine cork.

Our friends from Oklahoma invite us to their cabin to watch the glaciers. This is working out pretty good for us. We’ve saved tons on the room and just take turns crashing other peoples balconies. We arrive to find only the husband, Keith. The wife, Terry, is still at the glacier lecture. Unlike our ‘official’ BFFs, Keith and Terry, have no appetizers or wine waiting for us. However they do have fantastic views and are really nice.

Keith is so nice he keeps escorting me to the balcony railing for better views. After a for more helping hands, I finally realize I’m being groped by an old pervert. This is classic.

The next two hours are spent viewing spectacular glaciers and dancing around a small balcony trying to avoid the octopus. “No I’m fine in this corner. Much less wind.” Yes his wife is there the whole time. Its been the best and the worst part of trip so far. We do dinner with them where Keith introduces us to the matire’d as his fiancé and girlfriend. After dinner it’s a hasty retreat to the safety of our room. I at least know why we left Ushuaia early. Otherwise we would have passed the glaciers in the dark.

What I learned today:
• Most of the city and development was built by prisoners.
• Beavers and rabbits were introduced artificially and are destroying the environment because they have no natural predators.
• The glaciers are rapidly retreating. Some of the ones we saw could be gone within as little as 30 years. NOTE TO SELF: must stop global warning.
• Never trust friendly old men from Oklahoma
• Patagonia means something like land of giants or people with big feet. Can’t remember exactly.

Day 9 – Punta Arenas, Chile

Drinking: 1 Shopping: 5
Gambling: 0 Interest: 4
Partying: 2

Back to back port days. I’m in heaven. No excursion today. We’ll tour on our own. It’s a 10 hour dock so we’ll take our time.

Our best find is the internet café. They charge only, no wait guess. Come on guess. Ok, I’ll tell you. Drum roll please. One (1) U.S. dollar per hour. This is the best value on the trip so far. The ship charges something like $4 per minute. After two hours and maybe a dozen emails read, the connection was that slow, we head back into town. Reading email was funny. As much as it puts you back in touch, you realize how easily life goes by without you.

We see the rest of the town in about an hour and we’ve still got 5 hours before we leave. It’s a good thing we find a quaint little restaurant that took two and a half hours to serve us 2 appetizers and a glass of wine. I was tickled pink my wine cost the same as Daisy’s coke light.

We have dinner reservations with our BFFs but unfortunately I can’t make it. The slightly undercooked scallops from this afternoons culinary experience have come back to haunt me. Its several hours before I feel like myself again. Daisy and the girls are sweet and bring me ice cream but having any milk on my stomach doesn’t seem like a great idea.

We head to the sports bar for some salty popcorn. I’m ready to attempt the midnight, oops sorry it’s a geriatric cruise, I mean 10:30 pm chocolate buffet. This buffet line, remarkably, is worse than the standard buffet line. I swear I saw some lady take her cane to another old lady. We watched them layout a tray of chocolate dipped strawberries which immediately transferred to some old lady’s plate. The entire tray!

Don’t get me wrong we have our fair share of chocolate deserts. If a few old people went down in the process well too damned bad. Ok its half way through our cruise and I officially hate old people.

We take our plates and escape to the sports bar. We teach the girls hearts and are trying to go easy on them until we realize that Julie is trying to shoot the moon on the second hand!

What I learned today:
• There’s opportunity hear to open my own internet café and make some money!
• Julie is sneaky!